Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Swallowed Heart

So, I'm feeling a bit subdued tonight, despite the warm weather. It did lift my spirits a bit, but all in all, my heart feels ... well, if I had to describe it, it feels full and heavy.

But there's also this feeling of life underneath the heaviness, if that makes any sense. Sort of like a rosebud coated in ashes. It may be buried beneath soot and it may just go overlooked, but I have to believe it'll grow again. I just have to.

It's hard sometimes, for people to understand why someone stays in an unhealthy situation for so long. In my case, it made me question my entire ability to read someone, to have faith in something that felt so real at the time ... hell, I can only speak for myself, but it was real to me.

Promises are scary things ... if I let them, they have the ability to feed my every weakness. They have the ability to capture my loyalty and lock it up for months ... for years ... in this case.

Part of my current melancholy is the rawness of breaking patterns. Of feeling the loss of someone and something that, for good and bad, altered me. Just feeling. I know it's part of this "process" I'm currently working through, but it really robs me of smiles these days. It makes me cry some nights.

The fuel of friendships, positive forces in my life, my own progress in rebuilding myself and a sense of independence are currently what sustains me. I'm done creating situations where someone (a guy in most cases) feels like they need to swoop in and rescue me. I'll be just fine.

But ... that doesn't mean loneliness doesn't set in at times.

So, I feel the heartbeat of poetry thrumming inside me right now. Though it'll be more of a stream of conscious kind of flow I think. It'll be more of the same ... I'm sure, but as I've written past posts/short stories about some of the bad, haunting, ugly stuff I've experienced; that's not what pulled me in ... no. Motives and outcomes aside, that's not what kept a part of me holding on for so long, believing for so long. And I think it's time to finally write out and release some of the stuff that did ...

Swallowed Heart

Words ... so many words, everything, nothing, talking to you was as easy as breathing.
Nature, hand in hand, following breath against the earthy fall breeze
A sudden pause, a turn, eyes lit with emotion, "God, you are a beautiful creature," ... blushes, glances to the side, heart racing.
"Thank you."
All the confusion, the fear, the trepidation swept aside ... by piercing irises the color of the sky
Should I trust?
Hand flutters to my cheek
Yes ... yes I trust.
Eyes delve deep ... I can no longer look away, you
So many nothings I spoke, but they were my most wonderful somethings
Your eyes spoke them, could it be?
Home ... familiar somehow, warmth, life, my best friend
Is that what this feels like?
Everything slow, connected, nothing rushed
Is that why it worked so well? That's me ... that's the key to me
How could you know?
You knew ... you knew me
Fields, sweet breezes, kisses in the rain
Dancing on the tops of your feet, girly, giddy
Piggy back rides, how I loved and hated when you swept me up
Languidly sprawled out atop rose petals upon blankets
Your full mouth, chords low, bringing to life the pages before you
Igniting my insides
Poetry, inspiration, dreaming ... my muse
Butterfly kisses, giggles, belly laughs
Love ... love
Picnics, scavenger hunt ... flowers, you.
Stagnancy brought to life ... me
Your eyes uncertain what I see, I pause, I look at you,
"Passion. Spirit. Beauty"
So easy then, once I was in, to say it all as it flowed through me
To pour it all out, bringing tears to your eyes
Whispers against my ears, smiles that touched your temples
You called me soft ... you were once soft, too
Your lap, arms around me, guitar strumming against the wind
Words, so many words
Delicate hand to my lowered chin, lifting me up to meet you
Friendship, promises of old and gray
For all the black, every story has white
And this ...
This was mine


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