Tuesday, August 11, 2015

I Am Who I Am

Exhale ...

This one is a tough one for me to write. Because it's about one of the biggest challenges I encounter on a daily basis.

Self Acceptance.

And with that follows self criticism and self judgment. Because, during those moments, when we worry about what others think about this or that. Really, what's going on is, we're projecting our own judgments on ourselves to the illusory "everyone else."

And even IF people do pass judgments, as we all do from time to time, as a wise woman just recently quoted to me during my trip to Lily Dale, New York, "What other people think about you is their problem. And I mean just that, it's their problem."

The reality is, I've discovered or "rediscovered" so many things about myself in the last several years and especially in the last two years ... and it just keeps on coming. This change, this transformation. Some days, I look at myself in the mirror and I both see a complete stranger and an all-too-familiar friend.

All of my fears, my flaws, my insecurities, they dance upon my face ... they are so vivid these days. It's like they're ready to come out, to face the music. And that music is me, my true Self, facing them, overcoming them and releasing them. As I learn more about who I am, what my life's purpose is, what I'm guided to do with my life, my abilities, my passions and gifts, I become both joyously excited and completely terrified. Because it all means change ... and more change. It means diving more deeply down this rabbit hole. And it means embracing who I am, what I'm about, what makes me happy and what sets my heart and soul on fire. It means making choices not everyone understands. It means going against the grain.

And that means some people might no longer "get me." They might altogether not like me. They might think I'm full of shit. They might even think I've jumped off the deep end ... lost in that "woo woo" world of energy, peace, love, metaphysics, quantum physics, intuition ... And yet, all I feel inside is a depth of truth and love and a deep inner knowing I can't quite put into words. And instead of being afraid to talk about it all, I wish to break free from such fears and embrace every ounce of it.

And this means, honoring my humanness as well as my spirit. Honoring the fact that I'm 31, I'm not going a "traditional" route in life. I'm learning to love myself, including my flaws and my ego. I'm learning to embrace my inner beauty and hopefully let it reflect on the outside. I'm learning to acknowledge I have faults, I have insecurities and weaknesses ... I still wonder if certain people in my life or from my past "still like me" because I'm no longer who I once was ... or if they just pretend to.

I am learning to embrace the fact I'm scatterbrained and absentminded at times. That I'm never on time (though I have been working at this one), that I'm stubborn sometimes, that I am an introvert and can seem aloof when I'm feeling overwhelmed, that I am private ... I have always been private (take after my father on that one ;-).  I am selective about whom I feel safe to open up to, whom I trust, whom I choose to talk about my life with ... and as much as I've worked on my self confidence — both through counseling and my own inner work — I still have moments where I second guess myself, where my ego yearns for confirmation that I matter.

In the end, though, flaws and all, we are who we are. And who we are is constantly changing. Whereas what we are, never changes. Our soul, our higher Selves, is the constant that is guiding us, if only we could listen more often. We would see, all of us are connected.

Most of the world, however, is still a way's away from seeing that. But that doesn't mean we can't choose to love ourselves, despite what others do see.

So that's where I am right now. Learning to love myself, no matter what. Because, after all — I am who I am. And whether you love me, or don't ... I love you all anyway.

<3 <3 <3