Monday, March 5, 2012

Closure? Perhaps ...

I watched a movie recently. There was a scene in it where the main character and her best guy friend are walking and he turns to look at her her, exasperated, and says "God, when did you become one of these women who waits?"

She stops mid-stroll and just stares at him. Because it hit. It hit me, too.

Because I was that woman. I still am some days. But the universe does strange things. And after an emotionally, mentally and physically overwrought and exhausting week where I found myself falling on weaker moments of second guessing past decisions, it decided to show me two unexpected confirmations (though I'd been searching for one anyway) of something I already knew ... forcing closure down my profoundly stubborn throat.

It also cut straight through me.

Logically, I know better. But the heart is never logical.

Because the truth of the matter is, when I reach a point where I know a decision of some kind has to be made, part of me (and this is something I've done more than once in the past) makes the decision that I know or believe to be the best one to make. However, there is often a piece of me that still holds on or hangs back, just to see what happens. I may have enough foresight or plain common sense to KNOW what will happen, but that doesn't mean I don't hold out.

That said, I'm admittedly the type of person that sometimes needs something to smack me in the face before I choose to acknowledge its reality. And at a time when I finally stopped distracting myself from feeling the emotions I should I have been feeling and working through since the end of summer — causing them to hit me all at once — I find it no coincidence I was equally hit in the face with two very random references that gave me the certainty I'd been looking for. As if to say — Cassandra, now you know. You have to let go.

The whole hindsight is 20/20 cliche is a cliche for good reason I suppose. Because it's one thing to "know" something while it's happening, to know you're in something unhealthy or to know you only have half the story in front of you the entire time. But it's another thing to actually SEE it for what it was. To stop dreaming and start accepting. Because, I'm a dreamer. I've always been a dreamer. But sometimes, dreams, at least at their current state, don't come to fruition. And I'd be extremely presumptuous to assume I know why. Because, the truth is. I don't know much of anything. I can just have faith it will make sense one day.

And as for the concept of "closure" which I've always taken issue with, I suppose I'll find out how that works. I mean, personally, right now anyway, I happen to think on some level, the notion of "closure" is idealistic. I think we can find peace in things, yes. But to truly find a sense of complete closure from someone or something that changed your entire life, that's tricky. However, I don't claim to know much of anything anymore. I've been very wrong in the past. So I could very likely be wrong here as well. Guess ... time will tell.

Anyhow, I'm going to shift gears here and list a few things people near and dear to me have said in the recent days, including my mother, that have helped me get through a rough patch, things I have to start actually BELIEVING in ... as well as some links, quotes and poems shared.

10 Good Reminders for Stressful Times

"You'll always be my little girl, but you are a strong woman. You are good, Cassandra. And you deserve good things in your life. You deserve to be loved right."

"It hurts because a Bandaid got ripped off, but that's OK, because it needed to be. You are a beautiful, courageous, capable woman. And you deserve to be with someone who adores you."

"How bad can our lives be when we've got great animals like this in them?"

"Btw, you are not pathetic and weak. You're insightful, intelligent, beautiful, romantic and overly trusting."

"You know what sets you apart from every other woman I've ever met? Courage. Your blog, most recently. But also your articles, your compassion, your heart and your smile. Real courage shines Cassandra. And you shine."

"There isn't anyone else I could imagine being prouder to be in the presence of."

"I'm proud of you Cassandra. And I believe in you."

Me: I know. I'll get through it. It just seems unfair somehow.
"It's more fair than you think sometimes. We'll get everything we want some day, Cassandra. Because we'll be happy, healthy individuals all on our own."

"Yes, of course it's OK that you're a mess. Let it be what it is today. Cry. Scream. Punch things. And tomorrow, get it back in control. Don't spiral after all the progress you've made. It's not worth it."

"Here's something that should cheer you up ... Robert Plant and the gang. From me to you, with a whole lotta love :-) Led Zeppelin, Whole Lotta Love

"There's a saying I like that goes something like this..."Fall down 7 times, stand up 8." Love you, Ms. Cassandra. ♥"

"Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." ~ Maya Angelou

"Sounds like it's time to take one of those moments where u space out, drink something warm, take some breaths that you concentrate on, and do that thing where you think about the present, not the past or future....."

"*hugs* You know I'm thinking of you."

Life must be understood backwards; but ... it must be lived forward ~ Keirkegaard.

Your love should never be offered ...
by Hafez
Love sometimes wants to do us a great favor: hold us upside down and shake all the nonsense out.
Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,
Only to someone who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.
Stay close to any sounds that make you glad you are alive.
Ever since happiness heard your name, it has been running through the streets trying to find you.
I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in the darkness, the astonishing light of your own being.
There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that
Fear is the cheapest room in the house. I would like to see you living in better conditions.
Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, “You owe me”
There is no pleasure without a tincture of bitterness.

 Love's Simple Truths

"Love is as essential to us as air; a force that drives us all. It determines who we are, who we become, what we can achieve and, through this, how the world will evolve."

The lovely Gann always draws a smile (thanks Claire)

This song came on my iPod in the car ... been on a Florence kick for some time, but her voice hit hard tonight:

"To the crowd I was crying out and/ In your place there were a thousand other faces/ I was disappearing in plain sight/ Heaven help me, I need to make it right"

No Light No Light

"Cassandra, I've raised you. I know what's in you. You have good intentions. Some people will want to take advantage of them. But you deserve to be someone's number 1. Never let anyone tell you different."

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

"Stay strong. I love you."

While I wanted to collect these sentiments for my own future reference on rough days, I also wanted to share them because, I don't always know how to express how much people mean to me, in my life, but you all mean a lot more to me than you'll ever know. And you know who you are.

Thank you for being my sustaining forces



  1. Sending you lots of love from Gannie and me. Can't wait to see you in 5 weeks!! <3 <3

  2. Ditto that Miss Teschel, soon to be Konishi :-) Thank you for the love <3