The Physics of the Quest

It's been awhile since I've quoted Elizabeth Gilbert ... if only she knew how prominent a voice and presence she has been in my life the last few years. Especially the latter half of this quote tonight:

“I've come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call 'The Physics of The Quest'— a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity or momentum. And the rule of Quest Physics maybe goes like this: 'If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting(which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments)and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externally or internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared — most of all — to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself....then truth will not be withheld from you.' Or so I've come to believe.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

I've been on a "journey" of sorts for awhile now. But the truth is, I'm only now facing things I've been avoiding for years and years. And what's more, the universe is throwing so many different things at me at once, it's hard to breathe some days. Like today.

They're not all bad things, but a lot of them are very hard things. I guess if nothing else, it's teaching me that if I keep leaving loose ends my whole life — unfixed issues, unrealized fears, unfelt emotions, unclosed chapters, unhealed scars —They will, indeed, find me. And they'll often be magnified ... and will often pull the rug right out from under me. At least, the last few instances have. The "good" thing is, it gets my attention, which, I'm sure is exactly what that higher power has intended. Because I'm awfully good at pretending those loose ends and issues aren't there. I'm good at evading. But in many ways, over the last several months, things have happened to me or I've experienced things that made me finally "see." Whether it was seeing I was in something unhealthy. Whether it was seeing I had some very deep seated issues with intimacy, whether it was seeing I had scars that go way back as well as more recent ones I hadn't wanted to face, or whether it was coming face to face with my own shortfalls, fixations, selfish aspects and insecurities ... my own fears.

Regardless, in the last seven or eight months, I've felt like the woman I see in the mirror when I stand before my boxing bag — my wrists and knuckles wrapped in black, my hair swept back and my body completely on guard, adrenaline pulsing through me as I wait for the next imagined move, as I deliver a punch to every hurdle, as I block myself from every hit ... but not always in time ... not always quick enough to avoid the air being knocked out of me. Yet I always get back up. This unhealthy place I was once in ... yeah, I got back up. The hurts I've caused, I'm learning from. The pain I feel now, the pain I've felt before, the ways I've been hit in the past, I've learned how to swivel around ... the ways I've hit back, the ways I've risen from a blow ... all of it. All of it reminds me of that woman in the mirror.

In those moments, when I am punching that bag, I feel invincible. When all other times, I feel weak and vulnerable. And I wish I could hold on to those moments long after I leave my hand wraps on the table, after I towel my face off and look at my eyes in mirror — dark, grounded, strong, fierce, passionate, peaceful — I wish I could keep her front and center. One day I will.

That day is just not today.

But knowing she's within me ... actually seeing her in those moments ...  that is worth the work and the wait.

However, along this journey I've been on, I've not always chosen to see everyone I've encountered as a teacher. I've chosen to see some as such, here and there, but I haven't chosen to see them all that way. And I certainly haven't always been ready to face the tough realities or harsh truths about myself that I am facing more and more today ... the ways in which I've run, the ways in which I've hurt, the ways in which I've let my own issues and fears dictate my actions, etc. for a long time. But, I guess all I can say now is, better late ... than never.

And the universe seems to agree ... and I think, quite frankly, has run out of patience for me. I can be exasperatingly stubborn.

But glancing back on my timeline, once the rug is ripped out from under me or my face has been slapped, I've learned the lesson at hand. I've learned it hard, but I've learned it. So, Elizabeth ... yes. I'm going to try my hardest to see everyone and everything as a teacher. I've always craved to learn every single day, craved to expand. And here it's been, in my face, constantly ... in those around me, those important to me ... even those in passing. And I've only caught a handful of lessons ... when there have been so many more to learn.

So as I keep walking, facing hurdles and searching for that strength while trying my hardest not to revert to my past "easy way outs," I'll continue to keep the wise Gilbert's words in mind ...

And I will keep boxing.

~C~

Sustaining Forces

“In the end, though, maybe we must all give up trying to pay back the people in this world who sustain our lives. In the end, maybe it's wiser to surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely, for as long as we have voices.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, which -- perhaps I'm a little biased in that it's during my birth month -- is one of my favorite holidays, I've been thinking about the things I'm grateful for. Clearly, some of them are no brainers ... my health, my family, friends, pets, job, my parents and upbringing, my grandma and her warm brown eyes, those that have loved me, those that love me still ... those who will come to love me, my home and my capacity for growth.

Thinking about the above leads me to think about those who don't have those things -- some, never have. And that does something to my insides I'll never quite be able to put into words ... only that it's unsettling in a grounding, humbling, overwhelming way.

It's easy for me to think about the negative things in my life, the things I wish I could change, the things that are unsatisfying, the parts of me I want to alter all at once, the sad parts, the memories, the lost dreams. But the truth is, when I bring it all back into perspective, I am more blessed than I realize. In fact, I'm sure many of us are. For me, it's always easier to get caught up in this negative web of self defeatist thinking rather than focus on the benevolent things, the very simple things, like the fact I can get out of bed every day, go to work, support myself and come home to a pair of the goofiest, most loving and amusing pets anyone could have. Sometimes, it can really be that simple.

I've also been thinking about a notion I've mentioned in past posts -- sustaining forces. I believe there are different kinds of forces in our lives: those that drain us, pull us down, try to break us; those that push us, challenge us, help us grow and flourish; and those that sustain us. We all have sustaining forces in one way or another. They're those people, animals, elements, that faith in our lives that keeps us alive, that keeps us breathing, moving forward; that gives us a reason to wake up every morning. And I have many of them. If I really sit here and think about it, they're surrounding me. Whether it's Lakota and Bella with their deep eyes of wisdom, my closest friends and their undeniable way of "getting me," welcoming me and loving me inside and out no matter what, my family and their undying loyalty, understanding and support, my talents and wisdom, my inner strength, my job and the amazing stories I stumble across, my inspiration -- they all make up the very foundation I stand on, the fuel that moves my body, heart, mind and soul.

And the truth of the matter is, if so many sustaining forces have gravitated toward me all my life, then all those negative things I wish I could change truly pale in comparison to the good things. Because, being a believer in the positive and negative forces of the universe, I find we're often a magnet to what we exude. So, despite my anxieties, fears, anger or mistakes and the things they've manifested over the years, none of that holds a candle to the amazing souls I've come into contact with or to the opportunities I've had, to the accomplishments I've made and experiences I've endured.

Some days, like we all do at times I'm sure, I easily forget these things. I get so wrapped up in the broken pieces inside me that I forget the parts that never shattered, the parts that are whole and pulsing with energy waiting to create, to love, to spur growth and to develop. So, even during those times when I feel lowest, saddest, when my heart hurts, yearns, misses, aches, I remember that the force I am, all in all, is reflected in those elements and people around me who are closest to my life, my heart and soul ... to those sustaining forces I'm not sure I could ever live without.

So, as I sit here in my candle-lit living room, gazing over at Lakota, sprawled out on the floor next to me, and Bella, curled up on the couch -- two of my biggest sustaining forces and teachers right now, I choose to "surrender before the miraculous scope of human generosity and to just keep saying thank you, forever and sincerely" for as long as I have a voice.

~ C ~