Sunday, March 18, 2012


Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.  Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point — that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.  There is only one alternative — self-value.  If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.  You will always think it's a mistake or luck.  Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.  Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.  Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.  ~ Jennifer James

So, this is gonna be a rough one to talk about. But it's one that I figured I'd sit down and write at some point. 

Who likes to talk about insecurities? For me, it's a feeling. If I had to describe it, it's a pang in my heart, a burning in my chest, but feels like it goes deeper than that. It flushes through my veins like a throbbing pinprick and makes my heart pound. Insecurity, jealousy, envy, bad patterns.

But then, my pride decides I'm far too "above" all this jealousy business. So it tries to snuff it out, tries to paint the mask of security and confidence where none exists. Tries to ignore it. And then the insecurities manifest themselves within me and point their daggers inward ... and the cuts are too much to bear anymore.

So, I'm done with that. My pride can sit this one out. 

I've always been insecure, ever since I was a child. I felt like I never belonged. I felt like I was never fully understood. I was a Tom boy, but still girly. I was a lot more outgoing though, as a kid. I was always getting in trouble for talking during class. I was the one doing the chasing when it came to boys. And I loved playing in the dirt. 

Then, something just ... changed. I don't know when exactly, I suppose around puberty. And I became more introverted, shyer. I remember being 13 and riding the school bus to middle school and these 8th grade boys were on the bus, too ... and well, the one ended up doing inappropriate things to me. Nothing extreme, but definitely took me off guard. And he acted as though he had every right, yet I barely knew him. It was really the first interaction of that kind I'd had with a boy ... and I froze up and just let him. 

It's strange, because I haven't thought about that experience — and this happened more than one time on that bus — in a long time,  until recently, as I've been delving into patterns I've had over the years and figuring out when they started and how to break them.

This blog itself has become a HUGE pattern breaker for me. I'd never had the courage to write about these things, let alone share them with you all and put my immense trust in you as a result. But here I am. Doing just that.

So, that was the first time (that I can recall anyhow) where something was being done that I wasn't OK with but allowed. As I'd written about at the start of this blog, my realization is that what happened to me later on at that house party was a continuation — albeit much more severe — of that kind of reaction. Yes, I was vocally clear about things then, but still, I froze up and didn't fight back either.

I don't know why I react that way, but at least I've now gotten an idea of when that change happened. I do know that the feeling I felt on the bus was confusion. I remember ... that was the first real time I ignored my "instincts" and instead convinced myself what was happening was OK and normal. And that dialogue has become a regularity in my mind since. And it unfortunately led to worse situations and outcomes. 

I remember feeling like I was not pretty enough then ... that I could never possibly compare to all the other cute girls in my class. I remember feeling inadequate, a late bloomer, awkward, an outcast. So if a boy was showing me attention, surely that means I'm worth something.

That pattern has been going on ever since I was little though. I'm not sure why ... and what's more, I never acted on any of the attention I'd actually get, I'd run the other way actually. Yeah, I was that girl. And it's been this double edged sword since. Because nowadays, despite "running," my heart and emotions are almost always affected. Even when I try to "pretend" they aren't. So this defense mechanism doesn't do much by means of defense these days. Maybe it had its place then, to protect me somehow, but if so, it's long over stayed its welcome.

Anyhow, my point in talking about all of this is, these insecurities I've felt ever since I can remember fuel jealousy and envy. But for me in particular, I turn jealousy and envy inward, which ... sure I don't hurt anyone else in the process, but I hurt myself. I hurt myself in the worst ways. It's just another way I try to absorb things and self sacrifice, like I have with men. It's something I've allowed myself to do that hasn't benefited me at all. In the past, I'm pretty sure it's contributed to me freezing up, to me disassociating when something overwhelming was going on around me or to me, to me running and shielding myself, to me both yearning for a relationship with someone and being terrified of them.

And I'm tired. My body and mind are tired. So I'm going to do the exact opposite and turn it outward. Acknowledge it, get it out of me and put it here. And I'm going to take it a step farther. For every insecure and jealous feeling I have right now and have had off and on for awhile, I'm going to acknowledge something about me that I believe makes me worth something. Because like the below O'Connor quote, I think it's vital for all of us to do this every time we feel insecure or lost.

Envy is a symptom of lack of appreciation of our own uniqueness and self worth.  Each of us has something to give that no one else has.  ~Elizabeth O'Connor

I'll never be truly happy  — I have been happy many times in the past. I will be happy again. I feel it inside me with a certainty I cannot ignore. And that voice has never steered me wrong once.

Everyone and everything else is moving and changing around me and I am being left behind — I am moving and changing with everything around me. I have never been left behind. I am holding hands with the most important people and elements in my life ... and they are holding mine.

I will never be enough — I will always be enough, because when I truly embrace myself, who I am, what I have to offer, all the amazing things inside me aching to be shared, all of my gifts, my inner beauty, the question of whether or not I am enough doesn't even exist

I have so many mental and emotional scars, how will I ever trust myself again? — I have been blessed with a great sense of spirituality and an inward dialogue with my higher Self since I was very young. That guidance has never wavered ... I just haven't always chosen to listen. I am listening again. And I will trust again.

If I let someone go, I shouldn't get envious or jealous about the ways they've moved on — But when I love, despite my efforts to guard my heart, I love deep and true ... and I'm not superhuman. The feeling is evidence that someone affected me. It's an evidence of life and I'm choosing to turn it into something positive.

I will never gain my footing — I have pretty strong guides inward and around me. I will always regain my footing. My soul insists upon it.

I will never let go in love the way I once did — Oh yes, indeed, I most definitely will. I must love myself again first ... and I will. And when it happens, I'll never take it for granted again. When it happens, it will be for the right reasons. When it happens, I will pour all I have to give to help it grow ... and when it happens, I will be at a place where I truly see all the reasons I am loved.

I will never not be scared of men — I come from a long line of very strong, independent women. I know the very one inside of me, too. She flutters past my eyes on a daily basis now. One day, she will take up permanent residence. And she will never allow herself to be treated badly again. She will never treat someone in kind. And she will never allow things to be OK that are not OK. 

I will never be ... — I will be.


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