The most adventurous journey to embark on; is the journey to yourself, the most exciting thing to discover; is who you really are, the most treasured pieces that you can find; are all the pieces of you, the most special portrait you can recognize; is the portrait of your soul. ― C. JoyBell C.
As I sit here, sipping wildberry zinger tea, under a blanket in my parents' living room amidst a glorious Christmas tree ... I can't help but feel a sense of nostalgia and home.
I'm staying here for another yoga training weekend on the west side. And I'm full of so many emotions, it's hard to breathe today. The more I'm transforming, opening up, the more intense it all feels. But instead of trying to figure out how to "make these emotions go away," like I always used to, I am trying to sit with them, perhaps even make friends with them. Emotion is tied to memory, to ego thoughts, but the feelings of love and joy, those are tied to my higher self, my heart and soul.
So, whether it's sadness or happiness, whatever it's tied to, it's emotion and it's powerful. And now that I have realized how powerful our thoughts and minds are, I'm learning to respect my emotions, on each end of the spectrum and in between.
Because emotion is evidence of living. And I've spent so many years fearing living that I'd much rather get into the mess of it all than sit neatly in the background. This includes feeling so much love, I'm brought to tears most days at the smallest things, whether an act of kindness or a glimmer of nostalgia, whether discovering yet another small shift inside me or noticing it in a close friend.
This also includes feeling vulnerable and open to both my own pain or hurt as well as others'. And there are a lot of hurting people out there. I encounter them all day long and I have to consciously put up a "mental shield" as my counselor used to tell me to do in order to not let it all affect me so deeply. But it's hard. It's hard to open up and then learn how to flip that switch when you need to.
So tonight, I'm struggling with flipping that switch. With learning balance while also allowing the flow of emotion to pass through. It's a hard one to master and I'm sure it will take me years if ever to get there. But one thing I can say ... I am enjoying the journey. Every scary moment when I feel I might lose my nerve, every break through experience where I rediscover something within myself I'd thought long lost, every peaceful breath and sullen tear, every moment I feel my mind take over and I gently intervene, every time I go to lie down and begin to fixate on old fears and all the people I could lose in my life ... And then gently change my thoughts to the positives in my life instead.
It's all a journey, an ongoing lesson book that I am embracing more and more. My fears, well ... they're gonna disappear one by one as I continue to face them. And my essence, knowing myself, that has been the biggest gift I could have ever given myself. Knowing and loving myself for who I am.
I think back on the day I first went to counseling ... as well as the last day. I remember that first time, I had to fill out papers and papers of background information and then my thoughts and feelings. I shutter to think of all the awful, horrible, negative stuff I had said about myself ... things like "worthless," "undeserving," "pathetic" "unloveable" .... and the truth is, all of those things I felt about myself I then created in the people and situations I attracted in my life, which enforced them.
And it wasn't until now that it truly has sunken in how my self worth, the essence of who I am ... of who we ALL are, once embraced ... is invincible. It cannot be shattered. And once we all realize that, we can truly move through life and our fears much more easily.
So, as I sit here, growing, changing ... feeling, being. I offer this simple sentiment —embrace yourself, your TRUE self. And don't live life ... let life live YOU.
Til next time, be well friends <3