Monday, March 11, 2013

What Is the Most Important Relationship in Life?

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
  ~ Steve Maraboli

Tying into the whole practice of self awareness, I've been paying attention to my actions, my "self talk" and my dreams a lot more in the last year and a half or so.

I've talked about this more in depth in past posts, particularly about nightmares and dreams and how they are chock full of information about ourselves if we let them be. And about how the love and treatment we allow in our lives mirrors the way we feel about ourselves and what we deserve.

And about how our own actions or judgements on others can tell us a lot about the things we perhaps don't always see in ourselves.

The truth of it is, the things, people, situations and experiences in your life right now can tell you just what kind of relationship you have with yourself. Because in the end, that's the only "permanent" relationship you do have and I think we all might surprise ourselves if we truly examine on a daily basis how we treat ourselves, what kind of relationship we have with ourselves. And yet how we tend to expect others to treat us differently.

Here's the most recent evolution of my own relationship with myself.

As I'd mentioned before, I used to have these dreams where men or sometimes a specific male I knew, would be chasing me, searching for me or trying to attack me and I'd be running and hiding, terrified.

It was around this time I'd walked away from some unhealthy things in my life, one thing in particular, and began dealing with emotions, hurtful experiences I'd been repressing while at the same time trying to let go of emotions and feelings I thought were good ... at least at one time ... and "real."

Between dealing with PTSD and depression, it was a wobbly journey where I stumbled into more unhealthy behavior and patterns and decided it was finally time to get some solid guidance.

I'll never forget the day I walked into my counselor's office, splotches all over my neck from anxiety and sat down on the couch. I nervously fidgeted with the pillow on my lap as I tried to tell her about my dreams and about the feelings I was still struggling with, about letting go of memories, good and bad and about what to do in my present life.

She watched me a few moments and then told me to put the pillow aside, to plant my feet on the ground, but lean back and get comfortable. She told me to close my eyes and she walked me through a 10-minute meditation.

I came out of it calm, peaceful, breathing easy. I came out of it feeling whole, if only just for a few minutes, feeling loved, truly loved inside — feeling life. This hollowed out part of me, the void I'd been trying so desperately to fill was almost brimming.

I remember opening my eyes and looking at her and watching her own eyes change as she looked into mine. Then I remember her saying, "This woman right here. This woman is who we are going to get back to."

That was the beginning ... that was the beginning of a strange, scary, elating, terrifying, inspiring roller coaster ride.

Since then, my dreams have evolved. I began to start facing anyone who was chasing me. Which means I was starting to face myself, my fears, whatever that person represented in me. I would start to talk to him ... So really, talking to this part of myself. The main repetitive message involved forgiveness and it involved believing I was loved and truly cared about.

And the most recent one, it involved me reconnecting with that person, so, reconnecting with that part of myself again. And this time, I was slightly scared, slightly sad because I'd missed this part of myself, this aspect of me so much and I was slightly excited.

As I'd mentioned in my former post, the meditation practices I've been doing have started to access my subconscious in ways that feel a bit overwhelming, but also healing. And between those feelings that have surfaced and this dream, I realize just how much I've put on lock down since feeling heartbreak.

It's funny ... I sometimes convinced myself that I was "ready" and "open" in the last two years ... but the truth is, I never was. And even before then, I was always terrified of life, of being hurt. And then after I'd opened up finally and dove in, the tumultuous fall that ensued must have been devastating or painful enough for my mind to completely lock down that part of me altogether.

And while I'd catch glimpses of that vulnerable, open, trusting part of me, the freer spirit, it was always temporary. I'd always shut it down ... I still do on my more challenged days.

However, as I've continued this journey and made the breakthroughs I did in the recent months, I've learned that vulnerability is the key to life itself. It's the doorway ... the threshold.

And I know that all the above will work itself out as it's meant to. Because I'm trying to no longer resist life and what's in front of me or try to make it more than it is or less than it is. And all the progress I've made in the last few months is a result of that.

I feel that inside with a certainty even my most doubting thoughts can't penetrate. Am I both scared and excited of what's to come? I'd be lying to myself if I said I wasn't.

But do I trust it?

Yes. I trust it with every heartbeat inside me. This is my relationship with myself today.

What is yours?


1 comment:

  1. This has inspired me to look more closely at my relationship with myself. Truthfully, I don't think I've ever done that...this makes me realize that this is something I have waited too long to do.