Monday, August 22, 2011

Turning the Page

"Just close your eyes, blot out all of the noise and feel where you're being pulled ... and maybe for once, just follow it." ~ C ~

My mini-adventure last week gave me renewed movement. The days were sunny, the open windowed drives out to Bellevue, Sandusky and Burton were warm and relaxing and as I trekked through history, I felt a part of me come back alive. I made a point to follow that inner voice and it took me through deeper levels than I anticipated. It was a much needed reprieve from all the noise in my life and the perfect preface to this new chapter I'm starting.

Things I've been thinking about as a result of my travels last week, which followed some turbulence the weekend before, are the importance of balance, the notion of closure and the power of letting outside forces in. These things don't necessarily intertwine, though in my particular case, they are related. For far too long now, I've let other people or situations throw me off balance by immersing myself in them. And what's more, I've left many loose ends untied, whether it's a thread of unfinished growth within myself, letting go of the past, breaking loose from unhealthy patterns or severing ties with the sad woman I used to be. While I have yet to do all of the former completely, I've definitely established my footing and made some significant, albeit hesitant steps forward.

Last week, a part of my imagination was revived. Like a wilting flower placed under spring showers, every flourishing petal spread itself out, pushing aside past inhibitions that the recent dark parts of life put into place and expanding my boundaries as a writer. For a few moments, I felt like I was a child again, imagining my world into existence -- nothing outside of me penetrated.

My eyes no longer look at myself the same way they once did, though that's not to say I don't still look through those old pairs of glasses when something sets me back for a moment. I also feel strangely out of place as I look at myself now, not used to seeing the forest green in my eyes look quite like it does these days. Some of this has to do with this notion of letting outside forces in. In the past, when I was at a low point, I would receive a reminder, sometimes multiple ones in a day, about my significance in this world and my worth. It never failed and the sources of these reminders always varied, but oftentimes came from very unexpected or random places, like someone I'd just met and interviewed or a stranger in a store or hearing from someone suddenly I hadn't heard from in months or years. It wasn't that I thought this phenomenon of sorts was a mere coincidence. I knew it wasn't, but at that time, it was always so much easier to slip those old glasses back on and reject the notion that I was something more.

But now, I've been letting them in little by little. I realize they're not meant to prove to me my place here or its worth -- only I can do that. But they're meant to serve as a steel beam, a column, a slate of wood, a nail in my rebuilding. And while I have to come to these ultimate realizations myself, that doesn't mean I can't accept aide when it mysteriously presents itself. Because rest assured, it is often mysterious in its forms ... like last week's historic traveling and some of the people I encountered, they'd only just met me and the warmth and welcoming feeling I felt from them and an almost knowing look in their eyes ... perhaps I was merely imagining it, but it unexpectedly stirred my insides. And that movement has carried me to the first day of a new job in an environment that just feels ... right.

So, my traveling last week became more than just delving into history, it felt like a journey I took within myself, listening to grazing whispers and following their call, touching my darkest corners and filling them with the soft glow of a lantern light ...

And finally going where I was pulled.

~ C ~

"If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentment), and set out on a truth-seeking journey and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared—most of all—to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself...then truth will not be withheld." ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

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