Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I Used To Be

Looking back, you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your life, and that person was you.  It is not too late to become that person again.  ~ Robert Brault

So, as some of my recent posts have indicated, I've been delving into my past a bit while attempting to formulate a new and better present and future. In doing so, I've looked back on some pretty dark days, however, I have neglected to remember some of the brighter ones. I know it's not always healthy to focus on the past version of ourselves as though we're suppose to work our way backwards to something, but I think it's important to remember some key elements that perhaps we can work toward getting back in touch with, or at the very least, creating a new version of.

This entry will likely be to the point and in a stream of conscious format as it's hard for me to think of the positives in myself sometimes, sad as that sounds. And so, when I do, it almost has to come out in a purging, uninhibited, raw fashion, at the end of which I'll likely hit "publish" as fast as possible before I convince myself to hit "delete" instead:

I was once extremely imaginative, in fact, I admittedly still played with Barbies and created my fantasy worlds at the age of 13 and 14. As everyone endures the older they get, life steals away pieces of that innocent imagination; for some people, it vanishes entirely. For the artists and writers and actors, parts stay, but they're not quite the untouched ores they once were. Life and experience taints them.

So again,  I was once extremely imaginative -- I'm becoming so again, just a different flavor of playful

I was once overwhelmingly passionate -- I lost that passion for a few years, but it has returned with a fury.

I was once ridiculously silly -- With the right people and environment, I can fall right back into that completely dorky side of myself.

I was once head over heels in love, to the point of wanting to do everything and anything for that person, to the point of insane giddiness making me literally run and jump into that pair of outstretched arms and exude uninhibited grand romantic gestures on a whim, to the point of practically bouncing in place with the amount of life and love and caring I felt, as though it was bursting out of me -- Now, I ... am not. But I hope to find a new version of her. What she gave off was absolutely magnificent ... it's one of the main things that makes life, to her, worth living.

I used to be comfortable -- I am not, but in all honesty, I don't think I ever want to be completely comfortable again.

I used to be deeply intuitive -- I still am, but I want to harness that level of consciousness to reach much higher levels

I used to be highly artistic and insightful -- I'd argue that parts of me are still artistic and insightful, but there are other facets of my skills I'd like to hone even further.

I used to be excited, I wasn't sure what for, but just for something big, something immense, something profound, waiting out there for me to not just touch, but to embrace, to become -- I am starting to be so again. That excitement was replaced by dread for the last couple of years ... but in the last several months, the embers of that eager, higher awareness and anticipation have had much needed breath blown on them. They have reignited.

I used to be a dreamer, sometimes a sad one when I felt most lost -- I'll always be a dreamer, only now ... I'm determined to make those dreams my reality.

I used to be obsessed with the subtleties exchanged between two people, a glance, a soft passing graze of skin, a slight intake of breath -- I still am ... I still am.

I used to be a poet -- She's in there, her poetry hasn't come out in some time, but the inspiration is near by, waiting to be inhaled.

I used to be fun -- I was all the pretenses of it for a long time -- I was good at pretenses -- but I now catch glimmering glimpses of her in my eyes again.

I used to be very trusting -- I'm not. I want to be, very badly, but so much has passed ... there are times when I am for a brief moment, but it never fails this wicked voice will softly tell me I may be in danger once more. I hope to shove that voice into the depths of forever one of these days ...

I used to be soft and gentle -- I still am to an extent, when someone or something brings it out in me, but every fiber of that softness and gentleness has a coarse hair of caution and fear woven within it. I'm hoping one day, that pure silken touch will return in all its beauty.

I used to be strong -- I am not in the way I once was ... but I see now I am more resilient than I realized.

I used to be beautiful -- I don't see her often, I sometimes have to look away when I do, but I catch more glimpses of her now than I have for a long time.

I used to believe I was invincible -- I now know I am not. I know it so deeply it's hard to breathe. But I have found there are parts of me that can be unbreakable, if I really choose them to be.

I used to have faith in myself, in other people and in life -- I still do, even at my darkest hours I had enough to find a way out ... and as rickety as it's been these days, I plan to continue climbing that beanstalk.

I used to be innocently unassuming -- I am not ... I fear that is one piece, like that of a child's imagination, I may never touch again. But I AM unfailing in giving people the benefit of the doubt, even now, even when in some cases, I should not.

I used to be happy -- I am. I'm not. I will be.

I used to be ...

I am.

~ C ~

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