Sunday, October 14, 2012

Settling into Change

“If all of the steps of surrender are present, then a great Rembrandt or Monet will evoke love because the artist is simply there in all his naked humanity.” ~ Deepak Chopra

Most people don't genuinely enjoy change, at least not the kind that aches as it sets in. But in the end, there's a sense of peace that wasn't there before, perhaps a part of you discovered or transformed.

The thing for me right now that I find interesting ... all the different teachings, practices, the new perspectives that I'm reading about, trying to embrace and study more of, etc., have been put to the test that last few weeks.

This move came on very quickly ... due to the nature of my lease and the availability. So, a lot of the last three weeks, I've pretty much been winging. And in the past, that would have done me in. But every single trying experience or day I've had lately, I've been actively trying to apply the present moment awareness and going with the flow practice. It hasn't been easy. My usual default is to fixate and immerse. That's what I've always done. I fixate on something I'm anxious about and then I immerse myself in it.

I struggled with that this go around. I homed in on what I needed to do and that's all I lived and breathed for a few days there. But while I was doing things, developing color schemes, painting rooms, cleaning ... I was taking in every moment, every brush stroke. Some nights, the solidarity weighed on my heart in a way hard to describe ... other nights, the paint, the brushes, my music, serenaded my insides in an empowering, independent way.

It's just blowing my mind lately, the timing of things ... I will read a chapter of Tolle's book or a page in my Yoga magazine and the very next day, those very things will be tested, presented or challenged. Throughout this whole process, I have literally been witnessing my old mind patterns go to war with new ones. I've watched what my brain automatically does ... the ways in which is feeds on its identity ... thinking about past memories, coming across postcards or notes long forgotten as I cleaned out my place. I'd smile, shake my head and then crumple them up and throw them out. Moving is cathartic in that way.

It's been interesting though, watching my mind almost fighting change. It's fascinating how the mind can really turn on itself, on the body and spirit. And how the moment you gain control, even if it's only momentarily at first, you feel a sense of peace rarely ever felt. That's been my barometer as of late. Peace. When I feel imbalanced, as this move has tried (successfully at times) to create, I feel inner turmoil, depression, anxiety ... my old haunts.

But the moment I watch my mind, the moment I start to focus on the "now" — last night for instance, standing in my back yard with L listening to the trees russle in the wind and breathing in the earth — the more peace I feel inside and the more I feel I can tackle at once. Amidst the move and other drama, I've also gotten one step further along in my pursuit to publish my book. As long as I focus on the step right in front of me, I feel I'm able to conquer all the things I strive to ... and not for external reasons, but internal ones, ones that hopefully inspire and affect/help others positively. One thing I read recently that hit for me is the notion that we can spread positive growth to others through talking, throughout doing ... but there is something unexplainably powerful about actually "being" the positive growth ... actually BEING the peace. That means surrendering to what is.

Sure, I wish for some things I don't have right in front of me right this second. Yes, I suffer sometimes inside. But I've been going with those emotions rather than repressing them or denying them like I used to. I've been observing how they flow through me. How a commercial, the mention of a name or a song will elicit a memory so vivid, I stop breathing for a second. And then I let it flow through me ... and then I smile. My eyes may water too ... but I surrender to it. I don't resist it anymore.

After all ... "You attract and manifest whatever corresponds to your inner state." ~ ET

This mind domination is an uphill battle for a woman who has operated from fear for so long ... as well as a woman who has looked externally for her identity. But it's a battle I'm thoroughly enjoying — kind of how I feel when wrap my hands and wrists before I kickbox. I feel ready for anything thrown at me. I welcome it with a sense of steadfast tranquility inside.

Tomorrow, I leave for a two day, one night Yoga retreat in Millersburg (Amish Country). The last time I was there was in fall of 2007. Like everything else as of late, this retreat presented itself unexpectedly. And ... well, like the rest, I'm gonna go with it.

I'm curious what it will bring ...


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