When the World Knocks, What Do You Do?

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. ~ Pema Chodron


While in my favorite local used book store recently, I came across this book titled "When Things Fall Apart," by Pema Chodron, an American Buddhist nun.

As I began reading it, her voice reminded me of Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love). I've quoted her many times. The same day I thought that, I glanced at Gilbert's recent FB post on her fanpage inquiring what everyone's favorite "spiritual memoirs" have been in their life — books that have really resonated with them and helped them on their path. At the top of her list, "When Things Fall Apart," by Pema Chodron.

If I could recommend a book right now, this would be it. She takes in depth concepts, beliefs, truths and lays them out in such a readable, reverberating way.

She talks a lot about letting go, about being good to ourselves and to others, about groundlessness, egolessness, surrendering to "what is," staying present and creating space for things, being in harmony with reality and embracing all emotions, seeing them as complimentary rather than positive or negative.

I really loved the quote I opened up with because it got me thinking about life and death, not in the traditional way, per se, but in the everyday, every moment way.

Think about it — the impermanence of life is everywhere. It's in the in breath, the out breath, the passing away of one moment while giving birth to the next ... the minute hand on a clock, the four seasons, the sun rising and setting.

Yet for some reason, our minds don't like impermanence. We strive to control everything, we don't like being honest with ourselves, we don't like loosening our grip on anything. And speaking as someone who has been terrified of death since I can remember, the idea of it is unimaginable.

From moment to moment, our minds think about the things we wish were different, the things we don't like, the things we want to change, the desires we aren't meeting, the voids we can't seem to fill. So we run away, we eat our voids, we wallow or we distract, we seek out temporary gratification, we constantly try to fill any "space" in our lives rather than embrace the space ... allow the quiet in.

Get comfortable with lonely or with fear, welcome it, let it sit with you as you take in each moment of life; realize it's not your enemy, it's your teacher.

In fact, all moments, emotions, experiences, obstacles or hurdles in life are our greatest teachers. If you notice something continues to surround you in life or continues to "get in your way," whether you like it or not, that often means whatever it is you're supposed to be learning, you haven't. If you feel like nothing you do is changing the things you want to change, perhaps you're not looking deep enough, perhaps you're not being honest enough with yourself.

Let go ... let yourself experience that moment to moment annihilation. Embrace that impermanence.

I was always such a romantic as a little girl and well into my early adulthood. Life experience and the path I'm on now has altered that part of me. It's not that I've lost that romance ... on the contrary; the things I'm romantic about in life have merely shifted and deepened. It's not until you embrace impermanence that you truly appreciate every single passing moment of your life, that you find the romance in what was once a "mundane" action. You realize each moment dies upon the next and you no longer take for granted yourself or those close to you.

In the moments I am "out of my head" and in my heart and soul, I feel groundless, flooded with life, terrified, elated, full of love, fearful of hurt, passionate, compassionate ... instead of closing off, I'm learning to open my arms to it all. Without pain, we couldn't enjoy pleasure, without loss, we don't know the significance of what we have.

Without impermanence and change, we couldn't possibly know the importance of the present moment, of the here and now.

As Pema says, "Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth."

So next time you feel anxious or scared, view that feeling as a teacher rather than an enemy, figure out what it's telling you about yourself. Be honest with yourself.

Because once your intimate with fear or loneliness, with impermanence, change, discomfort, you'll find all your dramas, conflicts, struggles fall away ... and the world around you, the life knocking at your door will finally get through.

And the real you, the indestructible you ... will be there to greet it.

~C~

Empowerment, Love and Amrit

Life is perpetual therapeutic irritation. Learn to make it therapeutic and not problematic. ~ Amrit Desai

The urge to take pen to paper hit tonight as a few things came to mind I'd been letting marinate for a few weeks.

I had the honor and privilege to sit right up front during a lecture my Yoga teacher's guru gave two weeks ago. Amrit Desai, who studied with the masters in India, where he was born, and is considered one of the pioneers of "authentic" Yoga teachings in the west, came to my instructor's studio from Florida, where he now resides.

In his 80s, it is quite possible he may never come this way again. But there he was, in Columbia Station with all of us for an evening, bringing an amazingly serene essence and a breadth of wisdom with him.

I could go on and on about the things he spoke of, but I wrote down some of his quotes from that night that cover much of the high points in his discussion:

~ As inner conflicts reduce, the external conflicts reflect that.
~ We are hardly ever present in what we do.
~ Start giving what you are asking for (or as Gandhi famously says, be the change you wish to see in the world).
~ We are always looking for fulfillment outside. The ego is always trying to find fulfillment by looking for the right partner. Everything you are looking for comes from within.
~ The ego mind uses Prana (our life energy) to find outside solutions … excessively using energy for who you are NOT.
~ Don't buy into your reactive perception of anybody. You and I are not separate, we are all one.
~ When you remove the inner conflict, you see the outer conflict is false.
~ You have the power to change your life. No one else can do it to you. If you judge someone, you are lost. If you say you're a failure, that's what you'll create. You create your own problems.
~ When you are in love with that higher power in you, you are happy always.
~ Life is perpetual therapeutic irritation. Learn to make it therapeutic and not problematic.

Another thing Amrit said that hit me in particular is that I have all the power I need within myself. I don't have to be a victim or victimize myself. I don't have to bring my past scars into the present moment and allow my past patterns to repeat themselves or to influence my present moment reactions and responses to things.

Another point to ponder ... any external conflicts we have with others or a situation, etc. is a reflection of an internal conflict. I used to say "he made me react this way" or "she made me feel crazy" ... but no one has the power to make us do, react or say something that isn't already IN us. Yes, people "affect" us ... but to realize we truly do hold the reins to how we react or respond is powerful if embraced.

Observe, don't react, Amrit said. If we are able to observe ourselves and our lives from a non judgmental, almost third-party perspective, we will find it easier and easier to be at peace and ease ... to truly enjoy life and not react to things or instinctively fight or flee in situations that don't warrant it.

The past is the past and I can't go back and change circumstances or how I responded or didn't respond. But I can harness that power within me from this day forward. Amrit helped me feel empowered ... and more in control of my life and happiness than I truly realized.

Which means any of you reading can be empowered, too. We all try to seek fulfillment externally, in our partners or in other forms (i.e. alcohol, drugs, food, entertainment, sex) ... but that pursuit is the product of our ego. And it is a losing battle. It might bring temporary gratification, but it'll always be temporary, never continuous. Because the ego thrives on the "wanting more." 

But if we fall in love with ourselves ... if we truly accept ourselves and love ourselves, we will find true and continuous joy. I believe it. I also believe it doesn't come easily and it is an ongoing process. But it is one I'm finding more and more merit in as the days breathe past me. 

I hope you do, too.

~C~

Do You Abuse Apologies? The Beauty and Power of 'I'm Sorry'

It takes a great deal of character strength to apologize quickly out of one's heart rather than out of pity. A person must possess himself and have a deep sense of security in fundamental principles and values in order to genuinely apologize. ~ Stephen Covey

I had a recent encounter with someone I'd hurt in the past. As we got to talking, the past naturally came up. In that moment, I felt a strong desire from deep within to apologize for things I did, unintentionally as they were, that might have caused this person pain. It was accepted and there was a relief that flooded through me the moment it exited my lips. It seemed both of us were lighter as a result.

I've never enjoyed saying sorry when I was younger ... and really, in general. I mean, who does really? It's an admission of wrongdoing or at the very least, it's an admission of doing or saying something that has hurt another, intentional or unintentional. It's a feeling of vulnerability, of weakness, yet it could be an expression of love and caring as well.

But I've noticed that there is a difference between abusing apologies — i.e. saying sorry just to appease another or as "a foundation to a future offense" — and saying sorry with a genuine, truly benevolent intention. 

For me, I went from a woman who stubbornly, rarely ever said it to someone who said it all the time, unnecessarily oftentimes, to men in particular.  And those aren't very genuine either. For me, that behavior, which was already rooted in me from my youth years, further developed after I took a backseat to a person who was a much stronger, commanding personality than my previous relationship and at the very opposite end of the spectrum. I would find myself apologizing for speaking my mind or emotions, feelings about things, my anger or hurt, my pain or confusion. 

And when that person would apologize to me, it was often either a way to rein me back in or it was disingenuous. I noticed this pattern continue with other people I've encountered as well and I know I've done my fair share of disingenuous apologizing. 

The point being, there is beauty and power in an apology, but it has to come from within ... you have to BE the apology. It has to show in your actions. My counselor once put it perfectly: Look at a person's actions, not their words.

I came across this article that really hit home for me: A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not 'Crazy'

And the truth is, emotional manipulation and I go way back, to my teen years really ... and the things I believed or "fell for," as a relatively naive girl, which carried on to my adulthood. 

Talking to my best friend, we got on the subject of past hurts, loves, heartbreaks. And maybe it was because of how I felt after this recent apology of mine, but I realized how much I desired that from those who have hurt me. How, even now — having forgiven them their hurts as much as I've been able to — how much lighter I would feel inside on some level if someone said, 'Cassandra, you were never crazy for feeling how you felt, it was completely understandable, reasonable and I'm sorry for any hurt I caused you.' 

The way that I have in the past, not with all of them, but with most.  In some ways, it'd feel like releasing a breath I've been holding forever.

Now, while I can't expect such things, I CAN take those feelings and apply them to my own behavior in the future. Perhaps such behavior will be mirrored back some day. 

Because the truth is, apologies only get people so far. And just like the term "love" is overused in my opinion, so are apologies. But when a person is different inside than they once were, has become self aware enough to truly see themselves from another's perspective, that is often the key to a genuine request for forgiveness, to a "real" apology.

As I've said before, sometimes you don't realize the weights you carry around until you let them go ... and sometimes just finding forgiveness in your heart or asking it of another is all the release valve you needed.

Try it. Your heart will thank you.

~Cassandra~




 

Neverending Snow, Depression and Creating Space

'These trees are magnificent, but even more magnificent is the sublime and moving space between them, as though with their growth, it too, increased.” ~ Gaston Bachelard

I find it fitting to talk about depression tonight.

The snow outside my window just keeps on falling, casting fluttering shadows beneath the lamp post. The idea of spring, of summer, of warmth ... seems a figment of my imagination at times like this. It becomes hard trying not to "resist what is" and curl up under blankets, crying, wishing the cold away.

The "silver lining" is when warmth does arrive, as it inevitably will, I will appreciate it much more. That is one positive those of us who live in four-season climates can embrace. We truly cherish those sunny days.

That same mentality is something I'm now taking and breathing into other areas of my life. If I desire something I don't currently have, I acknowledge that feeling, trying not to judge it, and then let it pass through, like a temporary visitor. I remind myself that when I do come across those desires, I always end up appreciating them that much more. But, just like spring and summer, I embrace them and cherish them knowing they are forever changing and temporary, only to revisit me again some day.

It's a cycle. All of it. Yet most of us get so stuck sometimes. We fall into a rut. For me, that is always what depression feels like ... a rut I fall into, try to fight off or escape from and eventually curl up with. These ruts, I believe, are what happens to us when we resist that natural cycle. And for me, at least with depression, it often led to dark emotions, thoughts, low energy, negative self talk, pain, turmoil and ... sleep. When I was a teenager, sleep was my escape when I was depressed.

In the recent years, I would just let depression overpower me, drown me. And I would be a crying mess, sort of hollow, not present at all in life, absent even during moments in crowded rooms or with family and friends.

Thankfully, those are distant memories in some ways now. I've been tested this year, especially this winter season. Especially on these cold, dark, lonely nights ... when I feel a chill bury itself within my bones. When I hear the bare tree branches creak and moan against the biting wind.

However, something I read awhile back and came across again in my Yoga Journal has finally "clicked." In the past, whenever I felt something I didn't want to, like fear, depression, pain, sadness, I would either repress it and pretend it wasn't there, distract myself or let it completely overtake me.

But I read about space lately, the beauty of space, of making space for things. And I've tried it out these last few nights with interesting results. When I begin to feel this sadness or depression sink in, rather than search for an escape, I've been whispering the word "yes" in my mind and imagining myself creating a space inside me for this emotion. Not letting it overcome me and, yet, not shoving it away or judging it. Just saying the word "yes" and visualizing an opening inside me making way and giving space to what I'm feeling.

It instantly lessens the intensity of the emotion. And it feels a lot less uncomfortable, threatening or negative. It's almost like making room for a guest you don't necessary want there, but you also don't want to be mean to. So you don't resist the visit and then suddenly, they're gone and someone new visits, like a breath of fresh air.

So, the next time you feel something you don't want to, try to stave off your knee jerk, instinctive reaction, your usual pattern. Instead, let yourself create space for it, feel it. You'll notice, just like with the seasons, just like with emotions and life in general, if it has no resistance, it will only be a temporary visitor and will make way for a new one in due time.

And when that new visitor arrives, bringing the sun, you will truly appreciate them that much more.

You'll find you are an open door ... completely unbridled.

~C~

Be a Warrior — Tame Your Inner Dialogue

We talk to ourselves incessantly about our world. In fact we maintain our world with our internal talk. And whenever we finish talking to ourselves about ourselves and our world, the world is always as it should be. We renew it, we rekindle it with life, we uphold it with our internal talk. Not only that, but we also choose our paths as we talk to ourselves. Thus we repeat the same choices over and over until the day we die, because we keep on repeating the same internal talk over and over until the day we die. A warrior is aware of this and strives to stop his internal talk.

~ Carlos Castaneda

For some reason, I'm compelled to expand on my prior post.

Mainly about the idea of how we treat ourselves on a daily basis and how that treatment relates to how we treat others and the kinds of relationships we have in our lives.

Being a person who has struggled with negative self talk for many, many years, it's only recently I've realized just how powerful that kind of dialogue can be. It kind of ties into a lot of the other posts I've had.

So, I challenge you to wake up tomorrow, just one day, give it one day and take a thought inventory. By this I mean, simply listen to yourself, listen to your mind's constant chatter, which most of us don't pay much attention to, despite those thought trains that are running many of our lives.

Examples, do you wake up and see the life inside you when you look in the mirror? The steady rise and fall of your chest as you take in breath? The feeling of your heart beating, the ultimate symbol of self love — first nourishing itself before nourishing the rest of the body?

Or do you see your flaws, perhaps some gray hairs or age lines, your scars, the extra weight you've been trying to get off, the aches and pains. Then you get ready for the day, maybe you don't like what you're wearing and how it looks on you, maybe you're already thinking about all the things you have to get done, how much is on your list, how unhappy your are with certain things in your life, how you wish things were different, etc.

All that dialogue happens before you're even out the door. Then throw in interactions with other humans, your job, maybe your significant other. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself all day, do you constantly think about how fruitless your efforts seem to be? Your insecurities? Do you think about how lonely you are or how unhappy you are with the person you're with? Maybe how you feel underappreciated by people, like you just can't do enough or be enough. Then you start comparing yourself to other people or wonder "what do they have that I don't?"

How often do we TRULY think positive thoughts throughout our daily dialogue? How often are we actually NICE to ourselves? And how imbalanced are those numbers when compared to the negative thoughts?

As Antoine Rivarol says, “Speech is external thought, and thought internal speech.”

The converse side is the power of dialogue can be just as strong on the other end of the spectrum, when transformed, when changed into uplifting thoughts, into "light at the end of the tunnel" thoughts, into forgiving thoughts.

I've been exposing at times about some of the things I've been through or situations I've been in or allowed to happen to me, dating back to my teen years. How I've had very diverse relationships or friendships over the years, changing my faux identity to fit each one ... and how I've had some very similar ones as well, patterns, etc.

Well, the truth is, it all comes back to how I treat myself. Do I respect my body just as it is right now in this moment? Or am I constantly wanting it to change? Do I respect my heart and my soul or am I constantly masking things, putting up pretenses, beating myself down, manipulating myself, etc.?

And how can I expect others not to do the same to me?

Think of yourself, think of all the things you're unhappy about and then pause for a moment and ask yourself what and when was the last nice thing you thought or said about yourself?

I've been in the process of changing that dialogue for some time now. My counselor really got me going on that path, but then everything else that's come along has been aiding me.

I implore those who read to do the same. You'll likely be surprised how out of whack your inner language is. And it might just explain how you treat others and allow yourself to be treated.

I'd love some feedback.

~C~

What Is the Most Important Relationship in Life?

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”
  ~ Steve Maraboli

Tying into the whole practice of self awareness, I've been paying attention to my actions, my "self talk" and my dreams a lot more in the last year and a half or so.

I've talked about this more in depth in past posts, particularly about nightmares and dreams and how they are chock full of information about ourselves if we let them be. And about how the love and treatment we allow in our lives mirrors the way we feel about ourselves and what we deserve.

And about how our own actions or judgements on others can tell us a lot about the things we perhaps don't always see in ourselves.

The truth of it is, the things, people, situations and experiences in your life right now can tell you just what kind of relationship you have with yourself. Because in the end, that's the only "permanent" relationship you do have and I think we all might surprise ourselves if we truly examine on a daily basis how we treat ourselves, what kind of relationship we have with ourselves. And yet how we tend to expect others to treat us differently.

Here's the most recent evolution of my own relationship with myself.

As I'd mentioned before, I used to have these dreams where men or sometimes a specific male I knew, would be chasing me, searching for me or trying to attack me and I'd be running and hiding, terrified.

It was around this time I'd walked away from some unhealthy things in my life, one thing in particular, and began dealing with emotions, hurtful experiences I'd been repressing while at the same time trying to let go of emotions and feelings I thought were good ... at least at one time ... and "real."

Between dealing with PTSD and depression, it was a wobbly journey where I stumbled into more unhealthy behavior and patterns and decided it was finally time to get some solid guidance.

I'll never forget the day I walked into my counselor's office, splotches all over my neck from anxiety and sat down on the couch. I nervously fidgeted with the pillow on my lap as I tried to tell her about my dreams and about the feelings I was still struggling with, about letting go of memories, good and bad and about what to do in my present life.

She watched me a few moments and then told me to put the pillow aside, to plant my feet on the ground, but lean back and get comfortable. She told me to close my eyes and she walked me through a 10-minute meditation.

I came out of it calm, peaceful, breathing easy. I came out of it feeling whole, if only just for a few minutes, feeling loved, truly loved inside — feeling life. This hollowed out part of me, the void I'd been trying so desperately to fill was almost brimming.

I remember opening my eyes and looking at her and watching her own eyes change as she looked into mine. Then I remember her saying, "This woman right here. This woman is who we are going to get back to."

That was the beginning ... that was the beginning of a strange, scary, elating, terrifying, inspiring roller coaster ride.

Since then, my dreams have evolved. I began to start facing anyone who was chasing me. Which means I was starting to face myself, my fears, whatever that person represented in me. I would start to talk to him ... So really, talking to this part of myself. The main repetitive message involved forgiveness and it involved believing I was loved and truly cared about.

And the most recent one, it involved me reconnecting with that person, so, reconnecting with that part of myself again. And this time, I was slightly scared, slightly sad because I'd missed this part of myself, this aspect of me so much and I was slightly excited.

As I'd mentioned in my former post, the meditation practices I've been doing have started to access my subconscious in ways that feel a bit overwhelming, but also healing. And between those feelings that have surfaced and this dream, I realize just how much I've put on lock down since feeling heartbreak.

It's funny ... I sometimes convinced myself that I was "ready" and "open" in the last two years ... but the truth is, I never was. And even before then, I was always terrified of life, of being hurt. And then after I'd opened up finally and dove in, the tumultuous fall that ensued must have been devastating or painful enough for my mind to completely lock down that part of me altogether.

And while I'd catch glimpses of that vulnerable, open, trusting part of me, the freer spirit, it was always temporary. I'd always shut it down ... I still do on my more challenged days.

However, as I've continued this journey and made the breakthroughs I did in the recent months, I've learned that vulnerability is the key to life itself. It's the doorway ... the threshold.

And I know that all the above will work itself out as it's meant to. Because I'm trying to no longer resist life and what's in front of me or try to make it more than it is or less than it is. And all the progress I've made in the last few months is a result of that.

I feel that inside with a certainty even my most doubting thoughts can't penetrate. Am I both scared and excited of what's to come? I'd be lying to myself if I said I wasn't.

But do I trust it?

Yes. I trust it with every heartbeat inside me. This is my relationship with myself today.

What is yours?

~C~

Why Do We Take So Much For Granted?

“When something does not insist on being noticed, when we aren't grabbed by the collar or struck on the skull by a presence or an event, we take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude” ~ Cynthia Ozick

As someone who has taken others for granted as well as felt taken for granted, this particular topic hits home for me in a lot of ways and has been on my mind of late.

Let me circle out for a minute because I think it's partially a result of some of the meditating techniques I've been learning about and experiencing during my training. One of them, Yoga Nidra, has to do with getting deep into the subconscious, the part of us not run by the ego, and is meant to basically help the body heal itself, physically, emotionally, etc. It's a way of tapping into that pure energy, that intelligence that's already there, in our beings, that is not muddied by the mind.

The last few times we did it in class, I felt ... well, I felt some unexpected things. Emotions, pretty much across the spectrum. But in the past, that would have overwhelmed me. This time, it just felt like ... kind of like a release valve was opened inside me. It felt like my subconscious was working out things I didn't realize were still going on and this kind of meditation was unsheathing some emotional baggage I hadn't felt in some time, perhaps repressed for awhile now.

It also made me realize the things I still hold inside, locked away tight. And it got me thinking about some of the negative feelings I used to carry around all the time, every day ... the negatives ways I used to talk to myself, still do sometimes even now, though less and less every single day.

I remember, not that long ago, maybe as recent as a year ago or two, lying in bed after something happened that upset me, whether a fight with someone or just a rough day, and having trouble even listing 5 positive things out loud about myself that I truly believed.

I would look in the mirror, especially a few years back when I was all kinds of unhealthy, and think, "Wow, I thought I was worth so much more than all this. I'm being taken for granted, taken advantage of. I now know what this feels like."

But I'd always take it a step further and spiral into "I don't deserve anything good, I don't deserve to be happy or loved in a healthy way or treated like a main priority," etc. Well, that voice is pretty much obsolete these days. And I can list a lot more that 5 positive things about myself :-) ... but the part about being taken for granted ... that has kind of stayed with me.

Why do we do this so often? We don't really think about it, but we do it almost every day. How often do you take the time in the morning to feel a moment of gratefulness for being alive another morning, or seeing your cat or dog's beautiful eyes another day, perhaps your significant other ... how often do we routinely get up, go about our lives and rarely ever "take in" the things in our lives that could disappear with a blink of an eye.

For me, I used to take my ex (high school and college years) for granted many times without realizing it. And then, in the more recent years, I experienced the other side of that. Same with other friendships and relationships in my life. Even my family, parents, brother, etc.

All of the recent teachings and practices I'm experiencing talk about present moment awareness and compassion and gratefulness. I've been thinking about some of the ways I'd taken others for granted in the past, the ways I'd talk to someone and expect them to just deal with it or the times when I was talked to abusively and the other person just figured I'd take it and still be there the next day.

How often do we snap at people we care about? Or ignore people on a daily basis we actually truly care about when we stop and "take them in." There is a quote somewhere about how the things we point out in others are things we only strengthen in ourselves. So I've been definitely paying attention to the things I begin to point out in others lately and instead, stop myself and focus on how and when I do those very same things myself.

Taking things or people for granted is just one example I decided to point out. But there are so many others.

The truth of it is, nothing is permanent. And, if we get outside our heads enough, we will more easily appreciate and cherish those in our lives, including ourselves.

You don't have to be on the other side of the fence to know what something feels like. All you have to do is reach your mind out and imagine being on the receiving end of the energy, emotion or action you are expressing in that moment and you'll know everything you need to know.

We have all heard people say, "You never know what you have until it's gone."

Well, let's change that.

Let's know what we have while its still here ...

~C~