Light a Candle ... or Curse the Darkness?

Maybe it's this time of year, but for whatever reason, when New Years is near, I always think back on the last 12 months, perhaps even years past. Before, I would dwell on memories, but lately, they seem to brush over me like a cool mist and then swell with warmth from my present heart.

I'm reading a book about the power of emotions, what they tell us, how they can guide us. It also talks about the Laws of Attraction. When I had once felt a lot of pain, I seemed to attract more of it. As my heart has healed and my energy has changed, I've noticed the same pattern, but the opposite. It's not that I'm just attracting "good" things or positive things (though that's part of it), but more like negative things either seem to bounce off more easily or negate me altogether.

If they do penetrate, they don't linger as long as they used to. It's made me view my life and the world in the same way, as energy — positive and negative. And as energetic beings, we have the power to create both and the choice to produce more of one than the other.

As I'd mentioned in my earlier posts, this time of year, and winter in general, has always been a rough ride for me. The holidays aside, it's a mixture of lack of sun, the constant cold, the feeling of solidarity on those cold walks to the car from work ... on those dark drives home, the seasonal depression. But I've also learned of the many things that bring me comfort and am venturing to focus more on them, because what I focus on is where my energy goes. And where my energy goes and how it manifests itself reflects right back.

I feel so much sometimes, it's hard to breathe. It's as though I experience every single emotion at once. And what's more, I always desire to share all of it the moment it happens, but oftentimes it passes right by like an intense whisper against my ear, shooting through my heart.

I hope to learn more as I read more about emotions and what they tell us, so that I can share it. But what I do is know, when people say "think positive" ... well, it's not just some cliche phrase of wisdom. I'm noticing its power more and more. It fights the hardships ... the heartache in life, the voids, the sadness. It breaks through it like sun rays through dark, swollen clouds.

It feels something like this ...

She stands beneath the harrowing clouds, murky wisps across the sky

Veiling brush strokes against the potent silver moon

She pulls her scarf tighter, watching the heat mist from her lips

A porcelain blanket upon the earth as each cascading flake grazes her skin

The crisp air bites at her cheekbones, chattering against her eardrums

She tugs her wool hat down over her ears, feeling the heat beneath it

The hibernating world quiet and still, but for her steady breath, the bare, rustling branches

The grinding crunch beneath her boots ... her beating heart

A pulsing fire, within a glacial mass

A candle flame, amidst the chill

~ C ~

Amidst Tragedy, Hope For Change Ignites. But Where Will it Truly Come From?

Too immensely raw to touch ... what we have all felt the ripple effects of this week. The heaviness inside is beyond what I could imagine. It is as though I feel the gaping wound of all humanity at this very moment.

I don't want to immerse this post in sadness. There is plenty of that in all our hearts I believe. So what I do want to express here ... is hope ... and love. I have found it hard to breathe through a lot of the news this weekend. As I'm sure many others have ... especially parents and teachers. So I decided to pick up my Yoga Journal magazine and see what my eyes fell onto.

They fell onto an article titled "Lead With Your Heart." The article is about heartbreak and how important it is for us to continue loving, even through the most immense remorse. How it's vital for our existence as a species.

There will always be questions of why in life. Why do things happen? What can we do to prevent them? And the answers are rarely, if ever, found on the surface ... on the outside. And they're rarely, if ever, found in one thing, one "solution."

If you really think about life in general, it is often a cultivation of many things, many facets — not just one — that creates us and everything around us ... whether it is the food we eat, our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well being, our overall lives, our days, our jobs, careers, our families, our homes, our accomplishments, all the tools, machines, inventions we use every single day, nature, trees, gardens, farms, animals, storms, the elements.

Everything around us, our own individual make ups, are an intricate web of working parts. So why wouldn't the way we incite change in the world not include that same intricate web of working parts?

We are all of this earth, and are separate beings, yet tied to the same energetic source. Somehow, we forget that.  From the moment that umbilical cord is cut, we begin that slow separation in existence. And the majority of us, driven by the mind, are so focused on "standing out" somehow, on being unique, on being better than or more significant than others, on compartamentalizing everything and everyone we see, judging, critiquing, categorizing people, situations, emotions ... or some of us are just hell bent on wanting to feel special apart from the rest, we forget the great connection between us all. We forget the amazing compassion and relation we have to everyone and everything around us. That we are not so separate ... that it doesn't have to be me against him or her ... or us against them.

We forget the root of our entire species, our entire existence. Whether you believe in a higher power or not ... atoms, energy is an undeniable part of all things. Some of us explore our universe, speculate what's beyond our own galaxy, while others focus our attention inward, get caught up in our daily grinds, in our own problems or gripes or the oblivion of materialism, technology, the media, reality TV. We fail to see that everything we could possible need is right here inside us all. We've lost that connection ... in so many ways. Yet that connection is vital for our existence.

As Christmas approaches, many families, not just those who lost children in Connecticut, but those who have lost children and friends, relatives all over the country and world through tragedy, will be filled with unconscionable sorrow. And many of us will feel helpless in their midst. But the truth is, we're not helpless. We're never helpless. We all have the power to tap into that infinite source, to send light and love to not just those who have lost loved ones, but every single person in our path.

As we, as a species, change, so will everything outside of us. We are life ... and in life there is power.

Whatever outward action follows to help in the healing, in the transformation or ignition of change, it will fail to cultivate the desired result if it comes from anywhere but inside.

After all, that's where it all starts. It doesn't start with politics, with laws, with services. All of those things will undoubtedly help weave that web of working parts. But the nucleus doesn't stem from them.

The nucleus ... stems from us.

~C~

P.S. I will leave you all with a song my best friend Katie sent me awhile ago that was a salve for my heart these past few days:

Philip Phillips "Home"

"Home"

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m gonna make this place your home

The Present of Being Present

This is that time of year where it feels like anything could happen. There's that hint of magic that seems to quietly waft through the air. There are also those moments when the burning flames inside us feel nearly snuffed out by cold breezes.

It's a time of warmth and reflection. It's also a time of nostalgia and melancholy. This year, I'm making a point to stay in the present as much as I can. This is one of the most tested times for me in that regard. My mind has already begun playing and replaying its myriad of thoughts, memories, emotions. Some of them are kindling, other are anchoring.

I've been reading more about the past/future patterns of the mind lately. I notice them still at play in my own when I'm "not paying attention" to it. But it's lessening and lessening the more conscious I'm becoming. However, I also notice it in others a lot more acutely now.

People I talk to, they reminisce about the past ... they feel anxious about the future. They stress about gifts, about bills, about their love lives, their unhappy relationships, friendships, jobs. Especially at this time of year. It's like everything that's already stressful is that more potent — the fumes nearly suffocating us. Or we get lost in the superficial aspects of life or think upon how rough the year has been. It's only natural to look back on the year as it nears its close and try to categorize everything that's happened. It's easy to reflect on past holiday seasons, to remember things, people, moments, emotions, family, experiences.

Why do you think we do this so much? Sometimes I think our minds are on total automatic, we don't even realize how often we're a million miles away. How rare we are actually "living in the moment." Yet, the present moment is literally all we've got. Everything else is a figment.

Even the timeless classic, "A Christmas Carol" deals with the past, present and future. But when you think about it, it isn't until Scrooge finds his spirit again and embraces his present life that "life" actually begins for him. Yes, the notion of a sad future motivates him even further, but his transformation takes place in the present.

That's how I feel lately. However, I believe reflection has its place, as it did in this story. It offers us a glimpse of where we once were, how we've become what we've become. But notice I say "what" and not "who." Because, I'm realizing, who I am is who I've always been, deep inside. Sometimes, however, it's easy to lose the "who" in all of the "what." Most of us are doing it right now. Like this quote I came across tonight:

Who we are never changes. Who we think we are does. ~ Punit Ghadge

But if we all embraced our inner spirit more, not identified with everything on the exterior or in our minds, we will truly be our real selves. And what better gift to give the world and those around us, than being our truest selves.

Instead of stressing about buying the perfect tangible gift for your loved ones, focus more on giving the most beautiful thing you can give. Yourself. You'll be amazed at how once you tap into that stream of realness, that hint of magic in the air becomes the very essence surrounding you. And the love that is reciprocated back ... is quite possibly the most precious gift we could ever receive.

Happy Holidays my friends <3

~C~

What is Your Calling?

Imagine your body standing. Imagine your feet growing roots into the ground and your heart and crown of your head glowing, streaming energy upward into an invisible, yet powerful energy field.

That's essentially what Bhumi — the director at the Yoga center I will be taking my training at — said we are. She said we are beings who walk the earth, but if we push our minds and egos aside, tap into our higher Selves, we are all connected to one single source. As soon as we create that shift in consciousness, the universe opens before us.

Pretty powerful stuff.

On Sunday, I attended a Restorative Yoga/Yoga Nidra workshop. It was three hours long, but it felt like I'd gotten a whole day's worth of Yoga in.

Before I start actual teacher training in January, I wanted to get a feel for some of the things I'd be learning. I definitely got a taste of it Sunday ... and my spirit is thirsty for more.

I learned a few easy, relaxation poses people can do for 5 to 7 minutes a day that essentially restores the energy in the body at a rate equal to a 30-40 minute power nap. I learned how our mind, our thoughts, stress, anxiety, etc. all burns energy constantly, sends it off into the world, oftentimes with negative entrails.  Restorative Yoga is about helping rejuvenate our bodies and hopefully burn less energy the more we gain control of our minds.

But the second part of the morning, Bhumi covered Yoga Nidra and the ways this ancient form of meditation takes you to the deepest levels of relaxation while still remaining fully aware.

Bhumi talked about how Yoga Nidra, which means "Yogic Sleep," addresses the root of all problems physical, mental and energetic ... and alleviates the cause of stress while awakening our inner healer. It can essentially help the body heal itself, help free us from old patterns, reconnect to the source of our own power, help with that conscious shift toward enlightenment and help us discover our life's purpose.

Imagine that.

She was talking about how when we're born, our egos slowly grow and eventually take over. Our minds, constantly fueled by emotion and identity, categorize everything we perceive, putting it in the "good" or "bad" categories, judging everything, every situation, every person, creating a false identity or identities within us. We forget our purpose and veer off the tracks. When we're lost, everything feels like a struggle or harder than it "should" be. There is always a feeling of agitation under the surface of things ... of discontent, of wanting more. The mind always wants more, the grass is always greener.

I'm sure we all know what I mean here, at least on some level.

But when we shift our consciousness away from the mind and ego and reengage with our higher selves, which is essentially our spirits, our souls, we tap back into that unified Presence.

Hopefully I haven't lost you yet ;-)

Imagine a plant that has grown roots, but is no longer connected to the Sun. It slowly begins to wilt, grow weak, lose nourishment, vitality, energy, life. 

Here's the best way for me to explain this in my own experience. When I've been off track, lost, essentially ... I didn't know what my identity was. I was constantly searching for it in others, in men in particular. I was constantly looking for acceptance, affirmation I mattered, looking for praise, approval. I would hate to be the center of attention in a room, always seeking out the corner, yet, always secretly yearning to be noticed. Everything seemed to be a struggle, seemed to be so hard. The moments I thought I felt I was in Utopia or experiencing life at its fullest never lasted long. And when I was on the opposite end of that spectrum, I was a complete shell, with no fight left in me. I was never comfortable in my own skin, never content or secure or not terrified.

But once I felt that shift, once I felt myself realign with my "highest truth," as Bhumi calls it, I felt this deep peace inside, almost like a connectedness to everything and everyone. Almost like the plant that reconnects with the Sun, with that unified source everyone and everything else is connected to. Nourishment, life, energy, guidance and vitality emerge. I don't feel separate from those I love — even if we are physically apart — or from animals or nature anymore. I just feel the connectedness of it all.

One thing Eckhart Tolle talked about in his book is how once the "reawakening" process begins, it won't stop. Sometimes, the ego gets in the way for a bit, but never forever. I felt I was reawakening when I was a teenager ... practicing meditation and yoga, going to intuition seminars. But then my mind and ego took pretty much complete control of me most of my early to mid 20s.  Depression and anxiety came back full force ... fueling more bad experiences and lower self esteem.

However, now, the calling I felt as a child in bed, I feel it stronger than ever. If you've ever felt called to something and the moment you just go with it, you feel as though the world opened up for you, you'll notice opportunities begin to present themselves all around, situations, people, new connections, guides.

I get it now ... once you're tapped back in, the universe really does open up.

What do you feel, not thing, but feel, your life's purpose is?

My best advice to you all is ... if you have ever felt a deep stirring inside, something calling you ... perhaps someone mentions something and it causes a notable shift inside or you come across something that moves you deeply, but your mind tries to talk you out of it. Watch your mind and gently push it aside.

Once you're able to do that ... just go with it.

I dare to imagine where it will take you. I can't wait to see where it takes me.

~C~

Look Beneath the Surface

Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.” ~ Lao Tzu

A woman I randomly went to today to cut my hair was talking to me about the lottery. I guess it's up to $2 billion or something right now.

Anyway, as she was cutting my hair, she said if she won, she wouldn't even know what to do with the money. She said she would likely save some, give some to her family and donate the rest to charity. She then said her 39-year-old son passed away four years ago to a cancer that is so rare, only one other man in the world had the same form of cancer. She said she would donate money to cancer research and other related charities.

Her story touched me ... as I'm sure it would anyone. And I'm not sure if she was just the type to tell that to anyone ... but something tells me she wasn't.

It got me thinking about how we never truly "know" most of the people we come into contact with every single day. That led me to think about this time of year and how easy it can be to only see the surface of it all ... to miss out on the depth beneath the snow ...

It's a bittersweet time of year in some ways. I mean, you have all the wonderful Christmas food and drink specials every where ... you have the warmth of holiday movies and songs, family, decorations, a hint of that old excitement many of us have experienced as a child.

But there is a much deeper level to this season as well.  It's a time of mixed feelings for a lot of people I know ... especially those who have lost someone close to them, like this woman who cut my hair. Or perhaps someone who is single for the first time in a long time ... or has been single for some time and is ready for more, but isn't there quite yet.

I've talked about in the past the strange phenomenon of feeling more alone in a crowded room than by myself. I think perhaps, for people who are alone or have lost someone or perhaps are just going through some tough times, the holidays could feel like a crowded room.

I don't bring all this up as a downer. I love this time of year in a lot of ways, but also can commiserates with having felt the above way for many years, too. And I guess where I'm going with this is sort of simple.

As we begin or finish up our shopping lists ... as we endure the long lines, the money stresses, the equally impatient or disgruntled shoppers around us ... as we go about our day-to-day lives in society right now, look a little bit closer at those you encounter. Especially the ones who are complaining most or seem dismissive, judgmental or altogether despondent. And as you look closer, keep in mind you haven't a clue what their lives are like, whether they're just having a bad day or whether they've just gotten the worst news of their lives.

You just never know.

Most people in this world are so "unconscious," they almost can't help themselves. But that doesn't mean we can't choose, every day, to become more and more conscious, to remember who we are and what we're truly about ... what our lives are truly about. You'd be amazing the ripple effect it can have, even if your kindness or patience simply makes another person's day a tiny bit easier ... or perhaps even coaxes a smile.

I have had some rough days in the past. And I can't tell you how much it affected me when a random person or someone unexpected extended kindness to me, without wanting a single thing in return. They hadn't a clue what my life was like, whether I was just being grumpy or impatient or whether I was projecting much deeper issues.

So, as we begin our day tomorrow and those that follow ... perhaps we can make it a point to look a little deeper at every person and moment that befalls us.

Because the truth is ... we never truly know what's beneath the surface.

~C~

How Much Can Our Love Tell Us?

We accept the love we think we deserve. ~ Perks of Being a Wallflower.

A couple weeks ago, I went with my friend Katie to see the above movie. At one point, the main character is telling his teacher about the girl he is in love with, who is with a person who doesn't treat her that well. He asks the teacher why she is with him. The teacher looks at him, pauses a moment and simply says, "We accept the love we think we deserve."

This particular line, which is repeated again later, hit me pretty hard. There have been a few times my friends have asked me why I've chosen the kinds of "love" I've chosen over the years. Sure, the meaning of love is different for everyone, but when I think back on the many different kinds I've experienced over the last decade or so, some, not very healthy, others, seemingly "healthy" but not satisfactory, etc., it's made me realize that if I want a barometer on how I feel about myself or view myself, all I need to do is look at how I love and how I'm loved.

This is often a touchy subject, just like my post about "settling." It's different for everyone. But I will put this out there for, at the very least, food for thought. What kind of love do you have? What kind of love do you give? And what kind of love do you accept?

Pondering this might give you insight about yourself you never realized. I used to see women, when I was a teenager, who were treated horribly by men they were with, yet they stayed. Or men, who were cheated on constantly by their girlfriends or taken advantage of, used, etc. I never got it then. I get it now. It's as though you become a victim of yourself.

And this isn't just about significant others. It's about the kinds of people, situation, circumstances, treatment we either surround ourselves with or allow in general. Think about that a moment.

The reason, at least in my personal experience, I fluctuated in the kinds of love I've experienced, both in friendships and relationships, is because at those points in time, on some level, that is the kind of love I thought I deserved. The same can be said for the person opposite of me. Lord knows I've got my own not very easy to handle tendencies, to put it nicely ;-)


But nevertheless, that line is worth pondering I believe. It could give you more insight about yourself than you expected.

~C~

Are You Truly Thankful?

“We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.”
~ Thornton Wilder

What is it to be thankful? Really.

I mean, we all say we are thankful for the people, things, opportunities, successes, loves, etc. in our lives, but there's a difference between "playing the role" of being thankful — listing all the things in our lives in a very ego-driven way — and truly feeling the deep seated peace complete and genuine gratitude brings.

An exercise that might help you understand what I'm talking about is one I did the other night during Yoga class. My teacher asked us to sit quietly and feel our energy sources (shakras). Without getting into all of that, in simple terms, feel the energy in our bodies, our fingers, toes, the crown of our heads and the spot right between the eyes (as some might be familiar with, the "third eye") ... our intuition.

She then asked us to think of three things we are most thankful for, but to not just think of them in terms of words or images ... but to FEEL them inside. 

So, today, find a spot, even for two to five minutes, close your eyes, feel your breath moving in and out and the energy inside you ... then begin to expand on that feeling to highlight all the things you are truly grateful for. For me, it was my health, my family and my friends.

When I felt my health, I actually felt my body alive, breathing, existing, being. And I imagined filling myself up with a white light of love and gratefulness for my body, heart, soul.

When I switched gears to my family, I felt them inside, my parents, brother, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. I felt them as energy, connections, love ... extensions of myself. And I sent out more gratitude. Same with my friends ... I thought about the old connections I had, the ones who will stay with me always, even if they're not physically present. I thought of the new connections in my life, what they bring, how they nourish it in different ways. And then offered that affection and thankfulness to the universe.

There was never an ego thought about what I'm lacking, what I wish was different, etc. It's a acknowledgment, a "knowing" that everything I truly need is with me right here and now. Is inside me.

The best way for me to describe what thankfulness means to me is ... it's a feeling, almost overwhelming, of love, peace and appreciation that almost hurts, it's so strong. I try now not to infiltrate it with negative self talk such as "I don't deserve any of this," "I'm too lucky," etc. and try to leave my mind out of it.

The result is humility itself, pure and untainted, without the mind involved whatsoever.

So, as I help my mom prepare our meal today, staying ever present and offering appreciation to every piece of food from the earth that will, in turn, nourish my body, which will, in turn, keep me healthy and alive to emanate a different kind of nourishment, I will continue to not only feel thankfulness ... but be gratitude itself.

Imagine what the world would be like if we all were, every single day of our lives.

Happy Thanksgiving my friends <3

~C~