The Role of Darkness in the Awakening

The wind grazes my skin, fluttering my heart as I close my eyes to the sounds of the lake, her waves rolling up against the heavy stones below.

I can't explain what I feel entirely. I feel a heaviness in my heart, which has been broken open, so wide open, it feels like an exposed wound ... whatever it comes into contact with either fires off sensations of a warm, soothing salve or the deep pangs of salty water.

I feel deep loss ... its dark, mournful tendrils wrap around my heart. The beats slow down a bit and I feel the familiar murmur. The skies open up and I wonder at the paradoxes surrounding this world before me. The violence seeping through the cracks of the earth, of humanity ... the shadows, like capes, on the backs of bodies filled with adrenaline, fear, anger, hurt ... the shadows enveloping hearts, minds. The darkest parts exposed. Those eyes, all those eyes, once were the eyes of children.

The children, long gone ... or buried, buried so deep.

Yet ... I see the sky, its soft, pale blue color mirrored in the water, a mirage. The water, fretful on the surface, yet underneath, the depths of its stillness spreads to the earth. It caresses the earth, the earth caresses me. The air beholds me ... the trees sing to me, and life finds me. Love finds me. She always finds me.

And the best moments are when I see the love in other eyes, in the overwhelming greater amount of eyes peering out into this world, peering out to one another. The shadows are mere wisps that trail behind us. And the light is our power. The power is within us.

The sun beats down upon my skin, flushing it with warmth as I feel that love dancing with the tendrils of sadness and loss. They play ... they know the familiar dance. And I witness their dips and swirls. I feel them touch every part of me.

Each tear finds the shores. I let them jump from my cheeks into the wind and I smile, emanating the paradox within. I understand now. I understand how the dark and light co-exist, the sustaining polarity of this magical planet ... How our minds come to know one thing — light — by the sheer experience of coming into contact with another — darkness — I understand how the dark helps facilitate more light ... it ignites it, like the flame of a candle, a single candle ... filling the corner of a room.

The darkness knows this, even if those who house it do not. Oh ... but they will.

Just as the elements of the earth serve their roles, aiding one another, so does the darkness serve her role, and she will serve it well ... until so many candles become lit, every single crevice of our collective home will be held in a brilliant blaze.

How my heart whispers such words to me as it translates the wind, the water, the trees, the moon and sun, the stars ... And how I know, I can only play my role in it all.

So I stand, facing the waves, my heart, with all the tendrils of its sorrows, its joys, its desires, its pains, exposed. And I vow to hold my candle flame close, to serve as its hearth and tend its flames amidst the storms.

I mourn the losses darkness has left in her wake ... knowing their memories will live on and serve as fuel for more candles. And I thank her for making me burn even brighter.

For light will always shed its skin upon darkness.

I ask you all to join me in being the light.

Love,

~C~

A Girl and Her Dog

To steal a recent quote my best friend used in Lakota's honor ...

Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul remains unawakened. ~ Anatole France

During a recent meditation, when I asked my guides what advice they had for me right now, the adamant words, "Start writing again" came loud and clear.

I knew in that moment, it was time to finally listen.

You see, I'm stubborn. I take awhile to take action. This is just how I've always been and I can affectionately thank my parents for the trait <3 I've been in a state of writing "hibernation" for awhile. I've being going through some profound transformations and every time I had the nudge to write about them, I wouldn't budge. I froze. It's like, all the words have been swimming around in my mind and heart for months on end, but the moment I had the urge to write them down, the motivation would float away and I would go into hibernation once more ... I guess a part of me has just been trying to "take it all in."

While I could write about the fact I've bought a new home ... and how it was an amazingly spiritual experience for me, how it showed me just one glimpse of the immense power of manifestation, or the fact I recently graduated from my 500-hour yoga teacher training after 17 long, but wonderful months ... that's not what I'm going to write about tonight.

Maybe it's because it's "National Puppy Day," and I've been particularly nostalgic of late. Or maybe I've just been sitting on this post for far too long. But tonight, I need to write about Lakota.

Lakota — a.k.a Mr. L, Koty, Bubbaloo, Bubs, Puppaloo, Puppa ... and my favorite, Lakota Boda — was "that one dog" for me. He was that dog who had been through huge chapters of my life, who was by my side through some of my toughest moments, who went through several transitions and location changes and profound periods of growth.

Some people just will never quite get it. And that's OK. They don't have to. To some people, dogs are dogs. Pets are pets. They serve a particular purpose in the hierarchy of the family dynamic and that's that. But for me, that's never been that.

For me, Lakota was my best friend, he was one of my greatest mentors, he was my protector, he was my rock, my constant, my reminder to live in the moment, my reminder of unconditional love, my shoulder to cry on, my mirror. Lakota showed me exactly where I was in any given moment. He had the power to melt my heart with one soft look, one long sigh, one head tilt. He made me laugh. He drove me nuts. He made my heart sing. He made me face fears. He made me find my inner strength. He made me live.

To me, that's a powerful presence, a powerful gift. And I am so grateful to have had 11 years with him. I wish I could have had a few more.

A few months before Lakota passed, I began to get a funny feeling inside. Although I didn't notice anything major outwardly, sometimes, when Lakota would look at me, his beautiful, soft, wise brown eyes seemed sad, as though he knew he was not going to be around much longer. Those feelings of a slow goodbye would not go away, even when I tried to logically tell myself everything was fine, he still had a few years left.

But you see, Lakota and I, we had a very strong intuitive bond. It was that same bond that made me decide to spend a lot of money to give him back surgery when he was paralyzed from the waist down. His soul told me then, he was not ready, it was not his time. He still had life inside him. And I was going to learn a TON from that experience. I was going to grow in faith in a way I never knew I could. I was going to witness the power of collective prayer, intention and energy. I was going to witness a miracle.

And I did. Against almost all odds, Lakota not only walked again ... he ran. And our bond reached a level I will never quite find the words for.

The night Lakota passed, he had been crying out a lot. I wasn't sure if it was more seizures (he was so out of it from the anti-seizure medication, it was hard to tell) or actual pain. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had resigned myself to putting him down the next day, feeling in my heart this was no way to live. But as I caressed him over and over, kissing his paws, his nose, his ears, his eyelids, I didn't know that night, he would give me one last gesture of love ... by taking that decision out of my hands.

I remember talking to him about all 11 wonderful years. I thanked him for coming into my life. I thanked him for being my college roommate. I thanked him for getting along with his sister, Bella, my cat. I thanked him for protecting me, always. I thanked him for loving me, even at my darkest, most lost and weak moments. I thanked him for every single moment he had given me, every memory. I told him it was OK to go. I told him I loved him and I will always love him.

I then carried him up to my bed. Since his back injury two years prior, he had not been able to be in my bed. And I laid next to him, my arm around him, my face buried in his head and ears. And I prayed. I cried and I prayed. I sang to him, then I cried some more and then I prayed. I couldn't stand him suffering any longer. I could tell he was torn, I could tell he wanted to stay with me, but I knew it was time for him to go. And at 7:16 a.m. Jan. 20, as I witnessed him take his last breath, I kissed his head, rubbed his belly and told him it was OK and that I love him.

You see, even then, Lakota was teaching me.

He was teaching me to let go.

Lakota's spirit is with me. This I do not doubt. He has shown me sign after sign. And still visits me in my dreams from time to time.

The truth is, Lakota will always be with me. As will all of our loved ones. And as we will be, to others some day. For energy is neither created nor destroyed. And I am so lucky to have walked this earth next to Lakota's energy ... even if for just a few years.

While I miss his physical presence every day, I hold his memory in my heart. And for that, I am truly lucky.

Rest in peace, my dear Lakota. It's been quite a journey <3

~C~

I Am Who I Am

Exhale ...

This one is a tough one for me to write. Because it's about one of the biggest challenges I encounter on a daily basis.

Self Acceptance.

And with that follows self criticism and self judgment. Because, during those moments, when we worry about what others think about this or that. Really, what's going on is, we're projecting our own judgments on ourselves to the illusory "everyone else."

And even IF people do pass judgments, as we all do from time to time, as a wise woman just recently quoted to me during my trip to Lily Dale, New York, "What other people think about you is their problem. And I mean just that, it's their problem."

The reality is, I've discovered or "rediscovered" so many things about myself in the last several years and especially in the last two years ... and it just keeps on coming. This change, this transformation. Some days, I look at myself in the mirror and I both see a complete stranger and an all-too-familiar friend.

All of my fears, my flaws, my insecurities, they dance upon my face ... they are so vivid these days. It's like they're ready to come out, to face the music. And that music is me, my true Self, facing them, overcoming them and releasing them. As I learn more about who I am, what my life's purpose is, what I'm guided to do with my life, my abilities, my passions and gifts, I become both joyously excited and completely terrified. Because it all means change ... and more change. It means diving more deeply down this rabbit hole. And it means embracing who I am, what I'm about, what makes me happy and what sets my heart and soul on fire. It means making choices not everyone understands. It means going against the grain.

And that means some people might no longer "get me." They might altogether not like me. They might think I'm full of shit. They might even think I've jumped off the deep end ... lost in that "woo woo" world of energy, peace, love, metaphysics, quantum physics, intuition ... And yet, all I feel inside is a depth of truth and love and a deep inner knowing I can't quite put into words. And instead of being afraid to talk about it all, I wish to break free from such fears and embrace every ounce of it.

And this means, honoring my humanness as well as my spirit. Honoring the fact that I'm 31, I'm not going a "traditional" route in life. I'm learning to love myself, including my flaws and my ego. I'm learning to embrace my inner beauty and hopefully let it reflect on the outside. I'm learning to acknowledge I have faults, I have insecurities and weaknesses ... I still wonder if certain people in my life or from my past "still like me" because I'm no longer who I once was ... or if they just pretend to.

I am learning to embrace the fact I'm scatterbrained and absentminded at times. That I'm never on time (though I have been working at this one), that I'm stubborn sometimes, that I am an introvert and can seem aloof when I'm feeling overwhelmed, that I am private ... I have always been private (take after my father on that one ;-).  I am selective about whom I feel safe to open up to, whom I trust, whom I choose to talk about my life with ... and as much as I've worked on my self confidence — both through counseling and my own inner work — I still have moments where I second guess myself, where my ego yearns for confirmation that I matter.

In the end, though, flaws and all, we are who we are. And who we are is constantly changing. Whereas what we are, never changes. Our soul, our higher Selves, is the constant that is guiding us, if only we could listen more often. We would see, all of us are connected.

Most of the world, however, is still a way's away from seeing that. But that doesn't mean we can't choose to love ourselves, despite what others do see.

So that's where I am right now. Learning to love myself, no matter what. Because, after all — I am who I am. And whether you love me, or don't ... I love you all anyway.

<3 <3 <3

~C~

To All Fellow Control-Freaks ... The Key to Peace is Surrender

The notion of surrender.

This is quite possibly one of the hardest challenges for me thus far on this self discovery journey I'm on.

I've admittedly been hibernating. I have pulled back from writing. I've done a lot of reading, reflection and meditation in the last six months. And I will continue to do it.

But I felt the need to come out of my hermit crab shell for a minute to talk about surrender. My ego has a real problem with this one. While I've been able to stay more present, to open up my channels of intuition, to be kinder to myself, to others, to love myself, others ... I have yet to really, truly surrender to what is.

It's the "controller" in me. I want to have control over every situation that presents itself in my life because control means "safety" to my ego. We somehow won't get hurt or won't be disappointed if we can control things. Right?

Yeah ... not so much.

The reality is, control is an illusion. Yes, you can control yourself, but that's pretty much ALL you can control in any given situation in your life. Everything else is out of your hands.

Now, that doesn't mean you don't hold a TON of power inside yourself. You are, in fact, made up of vibrating atoms. You vibrate. We all vibrate. And that vibration happens with energy. And your energy ... it can be pretty freaking powerful.

Think about it. When someone walks into a room enraged, how does that impact the entire room? When someone walks in full of smiles, gentle, kind, warm energy and a bubbly disposition ... how does that impact the room?

And what vibration we put out there, our environment responds to. So, if you can control your vibration, you can have control over what you attract. And there in lies your true power.

But the rest ... the rest is about surrender.

Surrender, by the way, does not mean defeat, does not mean subservience, nor is it giving up or being a doormat or punching bag.

Surrender is about no longer resisting "what is." It's about pulling your head out of the sand, looking past the mirage your ego wants to see, and seeing your reality for what it is. And accepting what you see. Because once you accept, you can choose to make whatever changes you deem necessary.

But first, you must see.

If you are resisting "what is," you are going to continue to draw the exact same situations you've been resisting over and over again. Because that's what your vibrating. And you're blocking the very energy that will bring you what you desire.

Even as I write all of this, I know it's easier said than done. And the reason I know that is because I've been struggling with it for years, decades really. Because the notion of surrender also ties into the notion of releasing all expectations and attachments to outcome. It means you live your life in the present moment and yes, you have goals you work toward, but you keep your attachments in check and you surrender to the present moment and what it entails, good, bad, sad, happy.

And all of this takes discipline and practice ... you are essentially trying to rewire a brain that has been operating one way its entire life. So it won't happen easily or quickly. It takes some people their whole lives to get there. And I struggled with patience ;-) However, I DO know that the few times I have experienced surrender, it has brought me immense peace.

But fighting against reality gets really tiring. And it wears on the heart and the soul. And I think I speak for other "control-freaks" when I say, it's exhausting fighting to hold onto ghost reins.

It's so much easier to lie down on the raft and float with the tide.

So, if you're anything like me, maybe these suggestions will help you. The next time you feel your stomach tie into knots, notice it, close your eyes, take a breath and ask yourself what you are resisting right now. Bring your awareness to the knot, and breathe deeply and imagine that knot loosening and dissipating. Imagine you are on a raft with a pair of oars ... now take those oars ... and drop them into the water. Just let them fall right in and float away. Take a few more deep breaths and lie back and feel the sun on your stomach and feel yourself floating gently with the tide. Tell yourself "All is well in my world," "I resist nothing" over and over as many times as you have to until you feel at least a little bit of peace if not entirely peaceful.

Another thing to do if your brain just won't quit running the hamster wheel is to imagine the "worst case scenario" and let it play out.

Is it really the end of the world? You'll likely find it is not. It might hurt ... it might hurt a whole lot or disappoint a whole lot, but it's not the end of the world. After you do that, let it go. Know that scenario is just that — a scenario, an illusion, not a reality. And know that nothing ever quite turns out how we imagine ... and our ego and imagination tends to make EVERYTHING so much more dramatic than it usually ever turns out. Because imagining is not living in the moment. And the moment is the only "real" thing we have. Our ego loves to contrive worst case scenarios so that we stay stuck in fear and fight or flight ... and defense ... because to the ego, surrender means vulnerability ... and vulnerability means the possibility of hurt.

The funny thing is, we hurt ourselves more by resisting than we do surrendering.

And of course, being present is always the key to finding peace in any given moment. Focus intensely on an object in front of you, look outside at a cloud, or a tree or a flower. Find something that gives you peace, focus on it and breathe.

Lastly, remember that the more tightly you hold onto something, the farther away it will get. Remember that the things you fear the most are the things you'll attract. And with that reminder, let go. Release.

Or as Pema Chodron so perfectly says, "Lean into the sharp points and fully experience them."

Til next time ...

Love,

~C~

Respecting Our Fellow Beings

I've been circling around this observation for some time now.

And quite frankly, I'm a little worked up about it.

I know it's very much a larger topic that has many veins, but it's something I feel compelled to write about tonight ... and to pose some tough questions about.

I've often wondered why it's so much easier for us to disrespect or hurt those we love more than complete strangers.

That thought leads me to the next ... why do we often get so caught up in our "roles" and "statuses" in society (all ego-driven concepts mind you) that we so easily dismiss people we consider "below" us or somehow inferior. And by that same code, we almost grovel to those we consider "above" us or superior.

And at the end of the day, when you step back from the close-up shot of ink blots in a mural and look at the picture in its entirety, we are ALL ink blots on the same tapestry of life. One blot isn't any different than the next, maybe altered in appearance and color, but identical in every other way. We are all made up of the same matter of this planet. Our energy, the electricity that flows through our body and animates it, our spirit if you will ... it's ALL the same. And if you believe in a higher power, than you would believe we are all connected to the exact same source, intelligence, higher being, God.

So why on earth do we look to the person next to us and allow our egos to automatically label them or automatically change our entire energy and treatment and behavior based on some observation we've made about them (male, female, young, old, poor, rich, slow, smart, black, white, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Jewish, Atheist, parent, child, manager, employee, owner, secretary, CEO, maid, etc.)

But let me rein this mental thread back in to the seed of my original thought — which ties into my previous post about taking people for granted — why do we so often act respectfully and politely to a stranger who asks us a question on the phone at work or who stops us for directions on the street or takes our order in a restaurant, yet we can turn to the person right in front of us — the person we know, trust and love — and disrespect them, dismiss them or hurt them right to their face?

Is it because we've taken them and their place in our life for granted so much that we can so easily project our personal "stuff" on them?

I can't speak for you all, but I know I've certainly done this many times in my life, whether it's to my parents (especially in my teen and young-adult life), friends, the person I'm dating, acquaintances, etc.

Is it because I figured "oh well, they love me, so they can take it"? And I've certainly put myself in situations in my life (which I've blogged about plenty ;-) where I've been another person's punching bag ... and in the next breath, watched them be nice as can be to someone they hardly know, or might not even care for in general. And I would lying if I said I haven't done something similar in one way or another in the past to someone I cared about.

My point is, what makes that other person more worthy of our attention and respect than the person we know and care about? In fact, shouldn't that be the other way around, or at the very least, equal?

It's worth pondering. I don't have the answers per se. I just raise the questions.

And speaking of equal ... my second point or question is, Why does anyone deserve more or less of you than anyone else? Why do we pick and choose what we give to people? I'm not saying that the people we love and care about wouldn't naturally get more of us, good and bad ... but at the end of the day, we are all just people, humans ... in this world together. And if the world was ending tomorrow, none of those labels would matter, all that would matter is our species as a whole. Yet we operate from those labels day in and day out.

Yes, some people drive us nuts, some people rub us the wrong way, some people we even consider mean, angry, manipulative, possessive or evil (though again, these are all ego-driven labels), but does that mean when you take a step back and look at the whole mural, we still don't all appear as the same small ink blots?

Because I think this about that person, does that somehow give me the right to treat them differently or expect everyone else to?

In the yoga world, as some people might know, the saying "Namaste" means "I bow to you" and variations of this greeting also mean "The light in me honors the light in you."

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could all "Namaste" to one another on a regular basis?

Imagine a world where we treated one another as fellow human beings rather than "this type of person" or "that type of person."

Imagine a world where we actually treated people we loved and cared about with ... love and care.

I would surmise the world would be a far better place.

'Til next time my friends ...

Be well,

~C~

How to Stop Taking Your Life and People for Granted

Close your eyes a moment. Take a few breaths and imagine the faces of all the people important in your life right now. 

Linger a moment on each of them, their eyes, their smiles ... their energy. Think about what each of those people gives you, what each of them adds to your life on a daily basis. 

Now imagine if they all disappeared.

Imagine what your life would be like without those people in it.

This is a good exercise to practice every time you get upset with any of these people or angry about something and take it out on them. It's a good exercise to practice on a daily basis, upon waking up, mid-way through your day, before going to bed.

It doesn't always have to be people either, it can also be a job, your kids, your pets, a situation, a home, etc. 

The reason I mention it is, in a way, when we take people, possessions, jobs and even something as simple as running water and fresh food for granted, we are not honoring their value in those moments ... in those moments, they may as well not exist in our lives for all the honor we are giving them right then.

It's a harsh thing to think about or admit, but once you realize it, it can change your life ... and the silver lining is, it can change your life in ways that oftentimes (unfortunately) only tragedy or loss will do. And I've read about, written about, experienced and seen enough loss in life that it really hits me hard these days how fragile it all truly is.

But if you let this practice be a part of your day, it will give you the power to honor and respect all the people, all the tangible things and intangible things in your life. It will change the way you talk to people you care about. It will change the way you view your job and all the things it provides you, it will change the way you view your pets, even when they're driving you nuts ;-) or kids, your parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.

The second thing you can do to help rewire your brain to focus on the positives in your life and to no longer take people and life for granted, is gratitude. When you actually sit down and write out all the things you can think of off the top of your head that you have to be thankful for, you will be quite surprised how long that list gets.

So the second you have a negative thought about a person, situation or experience, try to counter it with a positive thought about that person, or a pleasant experience you had that day. And stay with THAT feeling and emotion.

The third thing you can do ... is when you have an enjoyable moment during your day, or something makes you laugh, try to stay with that feeling for a few seconds longer than you normally do. Try to stay present throughout the day and give your presence to the people in front of you at any given moment. 

You will find you experience those people in ways you may never have before, you will notice things about them you haven't before ... and if you have the open mindedness ... you will appreciate them for who they are and what they offer just a little bit more than you might have the day before.

These are just a few things that come to mind. But I think the key is stopping periodically throughout your day and just taking a moment to really ... well, take it all in. Take your life in and all the people in it.

And imagine if they weren't there anymore.

Til next time ... be well my friends <3

~C~ 

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

A self-fulfilling prophesy is essentially a belief or prediction that comes true because we are already acting as though it is true. 

So this can obviously go positively or negatively, depending on what the belief is. 

Right now, I want to talk about self-fulfilling fear-based prophesies. I've blogged about fear a long time ago and here and there in other posts.

But it's been awhile since we've talked about it. While I can sit here and say the obvious, "We must face our fears in order to overcome them," I want to actually focus on another aspect of fear that has definitely been a challenge in my life as of late.

Let's operate under the notion that everything we give our focus, energy, thoughts to, we strengthen and attract. So, if our mind is constantly on work-related material, work will consume our lives. If our mind is constantly on social media, we will get lost in the abysmal void that is the internet and so on.

If we focus on love, peace and joy, we will nurture those seeds and they will grow. Conversely, if we focus on our fears, if we continually operate our lives from a place of fear, we will assuredly bring those fears right to our doorstep. 

Imagine fear as a small, fiery ember in a hearth, and our focus and energy is oxygen and gasoline. 

This is the part that is the hardest for me to accept. But I see it happening day in a day out in my own life and in the lives of those I am close to. Operating from a place of "if I do this, then this won't happen, if I do that, then I won't feel this way, if I do this, that person won't get hurt," etc., we will undoubtedly manifest the very thing we are most scared of. If it's losing someone, hurting someone, if it's getting sick, if it's not being in control, if it's offending someone, if it's not being good enough or not feeling worth enough, rest assured, those things will become our reality. We will lose people, hurt people, we will get sick, we will wind up in situations we have absolutely no control over, we will offend people, we will constantly create situations where we feel unworthy.

Whether our fear-based actions drive others away, whether they thwart our own happiness (as I have definitely learned in my life, over and over again for the last decade), whether they appear to be the "safe" route to go but inevitably leave us with a sense of emptiness inside ... whatever the case is, we will continue to draw those very fears into our lives until we not only face them, but counter them with the opposite emotion ... love. Love and faith.

When we act from a place of love and faith, we will find a very different outcome — joy. I can't say that I'm there yet. I'm still working on NOT feeding my fears right now. But I have found that the times I do act from a place of love, when I trust that acting from this place will take me to where I'm meant to be, I do feel peace in that moment and I do end up where I need to be. 

And when I face my fears, and communicate my feelings to those who are important in my life, when I am open and genuine ... those fears dissipate. Because I've countered them with something much more powerful — love. 

So, if your fear is talking to someone, telling them something ... if it's standing up for yourself in a situation, maybe work or with friends, or a partner. If it's making a decision that might not please everyone, but is what makes you happy, what brings warmth to your soul, what helps you grow — for instance, not everyone gets why I'm pursuing therapeutic Yoga training, why I've gone down this path, but as long as I know it gives me joy and love and happiness, I know it's worth pursuing — approach it from a place of love. Be present as you face it. 

This could apply to a path in life, a lifestyle change, the decision to pursue a relationship, a career move, etc. The point is, know yourself, know what moves you, know what brings you joy and love and happiness ... and MOVE from that place, always. When you feel fear creep up and try to control your next step ... or if you're hearing many different opinions (I've definitely been there) and none of them feel quite right ... stop and listen inside. Listen with your heart and soul and you'll know what to do.

Our fears are only as powerful as we make them. WE make them. We are their maker. And to believe they run our lives is a farce. 

Watch what you give your attention to. Observe what you choose to feed in your life and what you choose starve. If you are scared something will happen, if you believe the worst will occur, you will then act from those places ... and sure enough, you will create your own self-fulfilling prophesy.

So, I say this to myself as much as you all ... we must choose wisely. Remember, we're all in this together.

~C~

Embrace Yourself

The most adventurous journey to embark on; is the journey to yourself, the most exciting thing to discover; is who you really are, the most treasured pieces that you can find; are all the pieces of you, the most special portrait you can recognize; is the portrait of your soul. ― C. JoyBell C.

As I sit here, sipping wildberry zinger tea, under a blanket in my parents' living room amidst a glorious Christmas tree ... I can't help but feel a sense of nostalgia and home.

I'm staying here for another yoga training weekend on the west side. And I'm full of so many emotions, it's hard to breathe today. The more I'm transforming, opening up, the more intense it all feels. But instead of trying to figure out how to "make these emotions go away," like I always used to, I am trying to sit with them, perhaps even make friends with them. Emotion is tied to memory, to ego thoughts, but the feelings of love and joy, those are tied to my higher self, my heart and soul.

So, whether it's sadness or happiness, whatever it's tied to, it's emotion and it's powerful. And now that I have realized how powerful our thoughts and minds are, I'm learning to respect my emotions, on each end of the spectrum and in between.

Because emotion is evidence of living. And I've spent so many years fearing living that I'd much rather get into the mess of it all than sit neatly in the background. This includes feeling so much love, I'm brought to tears most days at the smallest things, whether an act of kindness or a glimmer of nostalgia, whether discovering yet another small shift inside me or noticing it in a close friend.

This also includes feeling vulnerable and open to both my own pain or hurt as well as others'. And there are a lot of hurting people out there. I encounter them all day long and I have to consciously put up a "mental shield" as my counselor used to tell me to do in order to not let it all affect me so deeply. But it's hard. It's hard to open up and then learn how to flip that switch when you need to.

So tonight, I'm struggling with flipping that switch. With learning balance while also allowing the flow of emotion to pass through. It's a hard one to master and I'm sure it will take me years if ever to get there. But one thing I can say ... I am enjoying the journey. Every scary moment when I feel I might lose my nerve, every break through experience where I rediscover something within myself I'd thought long lost, every peaceful breath and sullen tear, every moment I feel my mind take over and I gently intervene, every time I go to lie down and begin to fixate on old fears and all the people I could lose in my life ... And then gently change my thoughts to the positives in my life instead.

It's all a journey, an ongoing lesson book that I am embracing more and more. My fears, well ... they're gonna disappear one by one as I continue to face them. And my essence, knowing myself, that has been the biggest gift I could have ever given myself. Knowing and loving myself for who I am.

I think back on the day I first went to counseling ... as well as the last day. I remember that first time, I had to fill out papers and papers of background information and then my thoughts and feelings. I shutter to think of all the awful, horrible, negative stuff I had said about myself ... things like "worthless," "undeserving," "pathetic" "unloveable" .... and the truth is, all of those things I felt about myself I then created in the people and situations I attracted in my life, which enforced them.

And it wasn't until now that it truly has sunken in how my self worth, the essence of who I am ... of who we ALL are, once embraced ... is invincible. It cannot be shattered. And once we all realize that, we can truly move through life and our fears much more easily.

So, as I sit here, growing, changing ... feeling, being. I offer this simple sentiment —embrace yourself, your TRUE self. And don't live life ... let life live YOU.

Til next time, be well friends <3

~C~

Are You a Victim in Life?

“Manifesting is a lot like making a cake. The things needed are supplied by you, the mixing is done by your mind and the baking is done in the oven of the universe.” 
― Stephen Richards

I used to think when something awful happened to me in life or didn't go my way, it was either somehow my fault or I was doomed to be hurt, unhappy, abused, depressed, etc. The world was somehow out to get me.

I won't sit here and excuse other people's words or actions, there are some really awful, tragic, horrible things that people do out there to other people or to themselves ... but I will sit here and say something that has profoundly impacted my view of life thus far.

It's something a lot of people, especially those who are like I was, will not want to hear. But a lot of times, what is going on externally in our lives is an exaggerated mirror of what's going on inside ourselves.

I'm not saying that makes other people's hurtful or harmful actions OK or even warranted. What I am saying is, we tend to attract energy we either put out or that is within us. It's like the child who grows up in a dysfunctional family who unconsciously plays out those same dynamics over and over again in all the adult relationships in his/her life. It's like the woman who grew up verbally or physically abused or had such low self esteem and lack of identity who then seeks out men who are abusive and play out that same internal dialogue.

Those are more extreme cases of what I'm talking about, but other examples could be as simple as someone having internal conversations that say they aren't good enough, they aren't as good as so and so, they aren't lovable, they are flawed, they are broken ... and then find themselves in one failed relationship after another, or never going far in their career, or seeing their counterparts exceed while they stay stagnant.

What I'm driving at is, we often victimize ourselves in life unnecessarily. If someone cuts us off, we feel wounded. If someone is rude to us in a check out line, we feel affronted and defensive. But if we, instead, changed that dialogue inside, we will see that we have total control over how each and every "negative" situation or stimuli that arises in our lives impacts us. We DO have a choice in the thoughts we think and the stories we weave around our experiences. But it's hard for us to sometimes take responsibility for those choices. Sometimes it's just easier to be the doormat and then get mad when someone walks on us.

Our relationships are one of the biggest mirrors and revealers in our lives, in my opinion. They tell us what our relationships with ourselves are. Our closest relationships/friendships can tell us a lot. When you find yourself constantly attracting the same kind of unhealthy people or situations in life, the first place to look is within. What, inside of you, is going on that could be attracting this energy? What kind of self talk do you have? Are you kind to yourself? The friendship and love that you seek from another, are you even practicing that same kind of love and friendship with yourself? What mind chatter is going on all day long? Do you even pay attention?

Our internal dialogue sets the precedence and tone for the rest of the universe to follow. You are a vibrating being. Ask yourself what kind of vibration you are putting out there day in and day out. Ask yourself how, if you abuse yourself every single day with comparisons to others, with negative thoughts, with self-esteem busters, with inferiority or fear-based ego-centric thoughts, with anger, or resentment, etc., could you possibly expect to attract people, opportunities and situations that are any different?

These are hard questions. The last person we want to look at when we feel harmed or abused or taken advantage of is ourselves. It's a lot easier to look at the external ripple rather than look at the internal pebble. It's like allowing a pet to take food off your plate and then getting angry when that pet takes food off a guest's plate. You ultimately set the example internally for the universe to follow.

When I made this realization, it hit me hard. I didn't want to think it for a long time. I wanted to remain the victim. I identified with it somehow. It still tries to grasp at me here and there, if I'm being honest. It was hard to look within and face the sad, dark or awful parts of myself, to see how I treated myself and how that projected into my relationships with others. But once I faced these things (for the record, I face new things every single day), I realized this was not a reason to beat myself up ... it was the very key to my own freedom and empowerment.

So, take these words as your keys to freedom. Empower yourself. Instead of beating yourself up about the past, embrace the lessons there and move forward taking charge of your present and future. Start with your thoughts. Watch them. Let them show you the places in the mind that need rewiring ... and begin, little by little to change your thoughts into something positive. Whether you get cut off in traffic, and thank that person for teaching you patience, or you get snapped at at work and realize that person is in pain of some kind and taking it out on you, so you instead respond very compassionately to them.

Begin to change your entire vibration and essence. Love yourself. Cut yourself some slack. Tell yourself all the things you would yearn to hear from others. Start with you.

The rest will take care of itself. Don't believe me? Give it a try :-)

Until next time ... be well friends <3

Love,

~C~

Sad Stories Rip Life Open

“I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.” ~ Walter Anderson

I am compelled to write tonight.

I've had many things swirling around my heart and mind over the last several months. Most of them just partial thoughts or random musings, some of them reaching so deep, it's hard to breathe when I attempt to put them in writing.

I was going to write tonight a bit more about my grandma, her dementia and what it's been like to slowly watch it take hold of her ... and maybe I can talk about it a little bit.

But I also have a friend who is battling cancer ... well, two friends really. One of them is really sick right now, another former co-worker of mine just lost her mom and I guess tonight, I'm just having one of those nights where I have never felt so helpless.

Yet at the same time, I acutely feel the power of life, the universe, the cycle of everything and how incredibly hard it is to "let go," to live and feel life in our veins even during the times we want to cry ... the times when it feels like our whole world is crashing down around us.

It's this paradoxical moment, where you feel both entirely powerless and despondent yet completely, even painfully alive at the same time. You feel like you just want to run from those feelings, from the fears they trigger, but running has never solved anything. And I think, practicing being present, living each moment as though it is THE moment, your ONLY moment, is how we finally relinquish those fears and are truly able to live our lives fully and transparently, letting all emotion in and out, without any barriers or webs to trap them in.

Because once you trap emotions, or resist reality, you create negative emotions that cloud the mind and will eventually manifest in other ways.

So, my reality is ... I am terrified of my grandma losing her memories, losing herself, losing ...

I am scared of my friends being sick and what could happen. I'm scared of Lakota regressing, of him going downhill and never coming back again, of the day I have to part ways with him and Bella and other people in my life. I'm scared of death. I've always been scared of death.

And it's something that, I think as I continue to grow, as I continue down this path of Yoga and meditation, self discovery, transformation, etc., I will begin to chip away at that fear, like all my fears.

But right now, I can feel it gripping me at night, the way it used to when I was a child. Luckily, I've gotten to the point now where I can "be the watcher" as Eckhart Tolle says or as my yoga guru called it, "the witness" to my mind. I watch my thoughts and where they go and most times, I can calmly bring them back to my breath. But that fear will keep coming until I overcome it, just like others.

The reality is, people get sick, some people leave us earlier than we would like, some people lose themselves, some people transform and change and we don't want them to. So many things are constantly in motion and a lot of times our fears make us want them to remain in place.

One thing I've realized with my grandma is ... while she's "in there" always, even the days when she seems far away, I think oftentimes its everyone else, including myself, that is more affected with her losing her memories and her "story" than she is. In fact, in a lot of ways, she's becoming more and more "present" with her living than most of us ever get to be. More and more, it's becoming about her experience with the people she's with and interacting with than what is actually done or said during that time (which she will forget soon after).

She responds to the way I make her feel when I walk into the room, how "present" I am with her and what energy I'm exuding (is it love, compassion, calm, peace, care, respect ... or is it frustration, sadness, anxiety or anger). She can pick up on it right away, even now. And those are the things that matter to her ... and they're the very things that SHOULD matter to all of us, when we aren't in our analytical, memory hugging, compulsive minds.

If we were only more present, more in tune with the energy we put out at all moments of the day, more responsible for the energy we bring into any given situation, the world would be a very different place.

And what's more? It makes me realize just how attached we all are to our "stories," to all the chatter and sentiment and meaning our minds weave around every experience we have, all the good memories and the bad, how we often define ourselves by these stories and harken back to them every chance we get, how we use our stories to rationalize things, to explain things, as a crutch, or as an ego-boost, as a reason why this or that is the way it is.

Watching my grandma lose her memory makes me realize that yes, it is important to honor my own memories and my mind's ability to recall them ... but it's also important to let go of the stories, to cherish the present moment and to home in on what energy I'm offering those around me rather than worry about all that mind chatter and dialogue.

And those who are battling illness, or have lost loved ones ... they remind me that yes, I am scared, I am not immune to fear or so enlightened that I have surpassed fear itself. Fear still cripples me some days. And that's OK, because fear is just a guiding post to truth. And life is sacred, it's precious and it can change on a dime. Our bodies won't always be here, but our energy has the power to transform, to fuel, and to move on.

So, don't waste that energy on anger, frustration, irritation, fear ... don't waste that precious life energy some people — especially those who are sick — are losing more and more of on resentment or the past, the storytelling, etc.

Instead, lets practice gratitude, every second of the day, for every breath we take and those we love, the pets in our lives, the moments of laughter and joy, the amenities we have that some people never have, the support systems in our lives, the way nature smells, the way the air feels ...

Because it's not our stories that define who we are.

It's how we live.

~C~

Life Can Change in a Blink. But Are You Even Living?

Life ... it's this fickle, beautiful, devastating, wonderful, awe-inspiring, heart-wrenching, fleeting thing.

It's so hard to pin down and just when you think you've got it defined, that you have it within your grasp once and for all, it somehow evades you, leaving a wisp of smoke in its wake.

Lately, I've been reminded in quite a few ways just how precious this thing we call life is. It's not really a thing ... it's a state of being. It's "being." But how often are we truly being? How often are we really living?

Most days, we are living in the mind chatter of the ego ... caught up in the drama, the pain, the past, the future, the worry, the doubts, fears, grievances, resentments, anger, love, passion, highs, lows, offenses, obsessions, fixations, indifferences, cares, reactions, judgements, comparisons, sadness and giddiness of the mind-made world we live in. It's almost madness when you think about it.

We are all over social media, our phones, the TVs, video games, ear buds, iPods, work, stress, work, stress. We are mindless droids some days and overly anxious, scared, passionate, emotional, irrational humans the next. We are amazing creatures, the capabilities we have, yet we still take for granted all that we have to offer the planet, the universe, the moment.

I guess, in seeing most recently, just how fragile life can be, just how quickly it can change, I realize how pointless the above worries, extreme emotions, fixations, ego chatter, etc. really is in the grand scheme of life.

All of that distracts us from the very act of living. And living is going on all around us ALL the time, if only we tapped into it more. It's shown in nature every moment of the day. It's shown in our pets, in those few moments of completely present awareness when we feel our actual bodies living, when we step back and just exist without trying.

I guess what I'm saying is ... all those cliches about living each moment as though it was your last, stopping to smell the roses, seizing the day, living in the moment, etc., those have become cliches for a reason ... because so many humans have stumbled upon these realizations over and over again in the history of our existence and expressed them in one form or another that they've sadly become redundant and lost their staggering power.

Those mantras lose their power until that very moment, when you're life does, indeed, flash before you, when something does drastically change either personally or to someone close to you, bringing you face to face with your mortality (at least your body and mind's mortality). And my question to myself and all of you is, WHY do we wait until something "happens" to embrace this wisdom we've held within us our whole lives, that has been passed down to us by our former human ancestors?

Why do we let our minds run the show and distract us from truly living each day to its fullest as they say?

I can't answer those questions for you ... I'm still working on them for myself. But what I do know is, continuous practice of present moment awareness, using my compasses (like Lakota and Bella, nature, yoga, meditation, my breath, my heartbeat) to bring me back to that place whenever I can, that's going to be the key to me living more and more fully. Because time is, indeed, moving. We are aging. Life is happening.

And the only thing there truly ever is ... is the present.

~C~

Inspiration Incarnate

As I sit here, in my parents' living room — my childhood home — the indoor porch is open, birds are singing and I'm brewing tea in the kitchen.

It's the first warm, sunny day in awhile. It finally feels like Spring has arrived after a very long, very brutal winter ... the kind of winter that made me actually wonder a few times if it would ever be warm again.

Today reminded me yes, it will be. It is. And nothing is ever permanent.

My dog Lakota is teaching me once more. I'm not sure he even knows it. He hurt himself a week and a half ago — a herniated disk — and can no longer walk on his own. At least not now. Surgery was the farthest thing from my mind when my parents and I took him to the emergency vet. In the days that followed, like bread crumbs, I was lead down a path that took me to a crossroads: Surgery (costly surgery) or therapy that isn't looking promising considering the degree of his nerve damage.

Without getting into all of the details, I opted for surgery. I had to know I gave him the best chance I could. You see ... Lakota isn't just a dog. He isn't just a companion animal I've cared for all these nine years. Sure, he offers me unconditional love, loyalty, friendship and protection.

Those things alone are worth giving him his best shot. But he's much more than just those things. Lakota is a soul mate, a guide, he's a teacher, a best friend, a piece of heaven meant to remind me what life is all about, that life is happening in the moment, that the present moment is truly all we've got.

He is inspiration incarnate.

I know, if I'm lucky enough, privileged enough ... blessed enough to have him in my life a few more years, there will come a time when he will move on to the next realm — from form to the formless, as Eckhard Tolle calls it.

But that's then. This is now. And right now, I'm hopeful that with enough patience, enough positive energy, work, therapy, love and care, Lakota will walk again.

Where am I going with all of this? I guess ... I'm not quite sure yet. The entire experience has been transforming. Over a week ago, I was stressing about over committing myself to too many things, having way too busy a schedule to stop and take life in the way I need to to stay grounded in myself, to stay true to myself. I was trying to prioritize everything and fitting walks in with L where I could. I was trying to enjoy my time with him more, having a strange feeling something would be changing soon ... I just didn't know what.

And just like that, everything did. My life changed. I can no longer just drop everything and leave. I can no longer just flutter around from this engagement to that. Will it always be this way? Of course not. But I'm learning to accept what is. To work in tandem with what is ... with the present moment and situation. To resist it, longing for some future, better moment, is living in the mind and in illusion. And that's not living at all.

Sure, to some people, it's "just a dog." And I get that. However, I don't have children. So to me, Lakota is my heart. He and Bella have been through quite a few chapters of my life ... very big ones. And what this reminds me of is, nothing in life is permanent. So, nothing should ever be taken for granted.

I'm sure I'll continue to learn more, and share it here ... but all I know is, what happened to Lakota brought some MAJOR fears to the surface for me that I thought I'd buried or, quite frankly, overcome. The fear of losing those I love. The fear of being out of control.  The fear of being alone. The fear of the unknown. The fear of the dark. The fear of what the future will bring.

And instead of doing everything I could to get away from those feelings, I stayed with them. I breathed through them. I cried, I fought with my mind, my ego, I fought through sleepless nights, a suppressed appetite, depression ... I continued to view all the things I felt from a lens that was almost in the background of it all, like the awareness behind the emotions. And all those fears, I worked through them one by one, plunging into the dark without a candle, feeling my way back to the light of each tunnel.

Instead of crying, "Why him? Why us?" I went inward and asked what it is I can learn from this. What is the lesson, what is the teacher ... what is the challenge, because I'm open. I'm utterly terrified, but I'm open.

And one of the biggest things I found ... faith, hope and an overwhelming response from people I did NOT expect. I thanked people over and over again for their responses, for their private messages, for their understanding, for making me feel less alone. Yet, I don't think I can quite express right now how much all of that impacted me. I was in deep at that moment when I reached out and needed some help back to the surface. And all of that support lead me there.

So to all of those who reached back — thank you, from the bottom of my heart <3

I suddenly have a deeper appreciation for the hardships of others, for those who have to be caretakers, for those who have heavy burdens in their lives they struggle with day to day. Not that Lakota is a burden. He isn't. But I appreciate the people who do sacrifice for those they love.

Because, if Lakota can go through what he went through. I can go through this with him. And every day, he inspires me. He reminds me of what love is, every time I look into his gentle brown eyes.

And so, my life has slowed down. It's grown very simple in a matter of a week. And I'm OK with that. Because I know if I go with it, rather than resist it, I will gain so much more than I ever would otherwise. And anything else that seemed so important to get to before ... no longer does.

After all ... as the quote goes: "Finding myself through process of elimination." ~Jonathan Stefiuk

Love,

~C~

Do Only a Few Things and Do Them Well

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow. ~ Aesop

There are a few good quotes on this topic, but it's one that's been on my mind of late so I figured, it's time to sit down and write about it.

As most of my close friends and family know, I've recently LLC'ed myself as a yoga instructor. My business name is now Luna Sidera Yoga & Wellness, LLC. Or, in English, Moon and Stars Yoga & Wellness.

This isn't a self promotion piece, but rather, the example that I want to tie into the above quote and my present challenge — Focusing.

A little bit of context ....

I am a full-time journalist/editor of three papers. I am also trying to get my novel published by a small local printing press. In the meantime, I teach Yoga in Wickliffe and am about to start a class in Willoughby in addition to wanting to get certification in Reiki Therapy to supplement what I offer my clientele, a.k.a. my students. I eventually want to take the 500 hour training to be able to teach Yoga Therapy in hospitals and rehabilitation centers.

Those things are all in addition to a wonderfully flourishing social/personal life and a mom of two pet kids ;-) as well as someone who desires to spend more time with family, especially my grandparents (in particular my grandmother, who is slowly losing her memory).

I recently read an article that summed up 600 letters/emails from random people ages 37 and up about what they would tell their 30-year-old selves if they could go back. Among all the items listed, one was to focus on doing a few things well, rather than doing several things half as well ... or something along those lines.

Basically, narrow your focus and put all your energy there. That one really hit me hardest — I suppose because that's been my biggest struggle lately. I feel like parts of my life are really taking off in the recent months. And a lot of it has to do with me deciding to stop resting on my laurels and finally get moving on my teaching and expanding my reach.

But I've also really, really been struggling with NOT focusing on publishing my manuscript, the way I wanted to last year. Yoga took me in a completely different direction last year, so the book publishing went on the back burner. And now I think it might have to go on the back burner again. Which, my ego feels is a form of "failure," or "laziness." But in reality, I can't possibly do the things I want to with that manuscript while developing my business and working my full-time job. Not to mention ... having a social life, dating and spending quality time with my pets (who are getting older and older every day, making each moment I spend with them that much more precious) and my family.

Because the reality is, the biggest "pull" I feel right now is in the direction of my yoga teaching, getting organized, truly doing the best I can in that area to help it flourish ... otherwise I feel like it's going to suffer, the way other areas have suffered that I haven't paid attention to.

It's like lighting several fires and only having enough oxygen and fuel for a few of them. The others slowly die as a result. They turn into embers and eventually ... ashes.

So, my point ... the thing I wanted to share in the hopes others might benefit as well, is simple. If you find yourself trying to do a million things at once — pause. Take a moment, perhaps write them all down and decide what the top three priorities are (as my best friend Katie Khoury recently reminded me to do). Don't disregard the rest altogether, but put them aside for now and pull together all of your energy, harness it and focus it on those three areas ... don't resist "what is," don't think about getting to this and that in the future ... stay present with those three things and focus on each individual step as you reach it in the "here and now."

It seems to help me feel less overwhelmed. And when life starts pulling you in a bunch of different directions again and the universe is telling you to "slow down," listen. Take a step back, refocus on that list and begin once more. You might not realize it at first (I know I didn't), but suddenly you'll witness things just take off. If you're putting your energy into the flow and not against it, things will just happen. But don't lose your nerve, or your breath. And don't let fear stop you either.

Always keep breathing. And eventually, you'll see how quickly you cross all of those things off your list and continue down it to the rest. I've had some recently packed weeks and weekends. And my body has finally made me pay for not taking down time.

A question hit me in that moment: How can I possibly teach yoga to all my students and grow and develop as a teacher as well as an ever-learning student when I'm not taking time to practice for myself?

So, I'm on a journey to regain some balance in my life, to weed out the things that are sucking energy and replace them with a more narrowed focus on the things that nourish and produce energy ... like my yoga teaching, meditation, making time for my own personal sadhana (daily again, the way I used to practice it), reading, sketching, playing guitar and piano ... spending some more time with my grandmother and those sustaining forces in my life. And spending less time on things that aren't necessarily "bad" things, but just time-consuming things that perhaps I'll get to another time.

I implore you to take this journey with me — those of you who wear many hats and feel out of balance. Let me know how you are faring. And remember, I'm always here to listen if you ever need me.

Love,

~C~

Winter Blues Chasers, Piano Music, Memory Loss

It's been ... well, about three months since I last posted.

It wasn't writer's block, per se. More like, everything I've been feeling inside has been marinating gently in the backdrop of my life, waiting for a time when it was ready to emanate.

And yet, I'm not sure it will all lay itself out here tonight. In fact, I know it won't. But that's OK ... I gotta start somewhere don't I?

It's a Sunday night ... and anyone who's followed my writing over the last two years or knows me at all, knows my relationship with Sunday nights ... especially cold, wintry Sunday nights.

But, perhaps because my entire perspective on life has shifted greatly in the last two years or maybe I'm just more comfortable in my own skin for the first time in ... well, possibly ever, I have learned to make friends with Sunday nights. In fact, I've learned to make friends with winter. I have learned to chase its bitterness with breath and peace, to counter its hits with a few of my own. And to envelop it when I feel as though I've had enough.

Because winter is not just about death, hibernation, dormancy ... it's also about rebirth, transformation and the peaceful quiet within the stillness.

The funny thing is, the year I decide to do this of course is one of the harshest winters of my entire life, at least cold-wise. The snow (besides driving in it) has never really bothered me. It's the darkness, the constant darkness and the cold, the kind that steals your breath and never gives it back entirely.

However, besides a few bumps here and there, a few challenges Old Man Winter has given me this season, I've rolled with the punches and embraced the bruises. I think it's a combination of now having many many "healthy" tools to choose from to fight my depressive episodes, maybe it's because I've learned to love myself, including my flaws and my sadness, my fears, my smiles and tears. I've learned to be kinder to myself ... to listen to music again, to play piano and listen to piano and violin compilations with the fervor I used to as a child and teenager, to smile as I watch the snowflakes fall ... to look at my dog, who is older and grayer now, with such love, appreciation and gratitude for the time I have with him, to caress Bella, my faithful, purring, wise green-eyed feline and take in the moments she offers.

The energies I've drawn into my life in the last year have been very precious and meaningful ... the connections I've had for some time that had grown and flourished with me, I feel that much more grateful for. And those that have come and gone, I find myself loving them still, feeling each of them in my heart every single day.

Last November, I said goodbye to my 20s ... and I did so with mixed emotions. That decade was a whirlwind roller coaster, and the force behind it peeled every single layer off my body and left me wondering who the hell I ever was. That decade I floated, I fell, I rose up again, I got lost, I got found ... and I crawled back into my shell. And then I curled up with my transformation ... and I let go.

I took a trip to Romania ... took a trip on my own, to my roots. I took a trip for my soul.

The self discovery continues and is an adventure worth every up and down. I'm excited to see where my yoga teaching takes me, where finally getting my book self published and out there for whoever cares to take a dive into takes me, where my work, my personal life, my dreams ... my loves ... take me. It's not about waiting for some future moment, it's about completely loving every moment of the journey as it happens.

And lastly ... I have come face-to-face with the reality that someone very, very close to me, is losing a piece of herself more and more as the days go by. My grandmother, perhaps one of my biggest soul mates, is losing her memory. If counseling and yoga has taught me anything, it's that life is never linear and it is never just roses and smiles, that sadness and challenges and pain are a part of life and you can't truly live life without it all.

Seeing her, spending time with her has become a priority in my life more now than ever before. It's hard, being across town, working full time and teaching yoga on the side not to mention an active social life ... but if not now, when? There is always time for things, it's there, you just have to get out of your own way and carve it out.

There will be more on this topic ... I don't honestly have it in me tonight to delve in. All I will say is, my grandma, even now, teaches me. She teaches me to live in the present, to enjoy my moments with her, to be grateful for the memories we've shared, the stories she's told me  — her life stories — to cherish what I have, because one day it won't be as it is now. Everything changes. Everything.

And with that, I'll leave you with a poem that comes to mind ... one to curl up with on these cold winter nights ...

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

~ Jelaluddin Rumi,

    translation by Coleman Barks

 Love,

~C~

Family, Crying and Unconditional Love

Saturday afternoon, we arrived in Fagaras, a city near my mom's village, Vistea de Jos. My cousin, Rosmina, who has been my generous host this trip, grew up in Fagaras with her sister, Anca.

My aunt Dorina greeted us with so much enthusiasm and eagerness to please, I can't fully capture it here. But I'll try.

When you walk into a Romanian household, especially here, you're hugged and kissed on both cheeks and you're automatically taken to a seated area with a table ;-) And then you're fed. But you're not just offered what we would consider normal hors d'oeuvres. You're given a few courses. You're given wine too, maybe some Romanian liqueur. And of course, some coffee.

You're asked numerous times if you're doing OK, if you've had enough, if you're tired, cold, need anything at all, if you've eaten enough, want more, and so on.

It can be overwhelming, but in a wonderful way. At least to me. Because it's not that way in the U.S., at least not in general. My mom is this way and I always used to yell at her to quit being so stressed out with guests and so pushy with food. But I get it now. It's custom. It's just the way it is here. At least with my family :-)



But here's the part that got to me ... and got to me hard.

When I walked into my family members' homes (I visited quite a few), I was greeted by such immense warmth, love and ... I can't even quite place it, maybe an admiration, as though being looked over, looked through, studied and embraced all at once. I haven't been here to see some of these family members in 18 years. I've grown quite a bit from 11-year-old, tom-boy, running after the animals Cassandra.

I visited my mom's brother-in-law, Demetriu. He'd had a stroke not long ago and was not able to talk much or move much. I walked into the room, he saw me and he started to cry. Maybe it's because he saw my mother's face in me. Maybe it's because he remembered me at 11 years old, riding his horse. Maybe he just was sad he couldn't greet me properly. But it went straight through me.

We couldn't stay long. And it occurred to me I might never see him again. So I grabbed his hand, I squeezed it hard, said goodbye ... exhaled and we left.

We then visited my mom's sister, Tori, in Victoria. She was considered the "Black Sheep" in the family, the one who was a bit rebellious, was always funny and always made everyone laugh, especially my mom and I. She hugged me long and hard and cracked jokes. She, of course, gave me food. She called me her baby, told me she loved me. And then we were back on the road to Fagaras.

On Sunday, we left for Vistea.

I walked into my mom's church, which was so much more breathtaking than I remembered at 11. The rich colors in the murals cascading down the walls, the intricately painted ceiling and candle-lit crimson carpets were glorious.

Suddenly, I became the talk of the people. And I felt immediately self conscious. Understand, these villages are small and everyone literally knows everyone, so seeing a new person walk in is immediately noticed.

Slowly, people came over to our group, asking who I was. A few women, old friends of my mother, came up to me, touching my face and gazing into my eyes, motioning to my aunt and cousins how much I resembled my mom ... "Cornelia."

They squeezed my hand, kissed my cheeks, touched my hair and told me I was beautiful. I blushed and said "Multumesc" (thank you) over and over and over again, not knowing what else to really say. We stopped by the cemetery behind the church to see my mom's parents' graves ... as well as her sister's grave and her cousin's grave, both who passed before their time.

Then we visited my mom's eldest sister, Chevuca. She's been sick with diabetes and a hip replacement. She saw me ... and she started crying. She hugged and kissed me and called me her love. She couldn't say much, but I reminded her of when I was last there and I was sick in bed. My parents were gone at that time (visiting another city). My aunt came into my room with rubbing alcohol and a hot washcloth and she rubbed my arms, legs, neck and face ... just the way my mom did when I was a kid. And it made the flu body aches disappear. And it made me feel like home.

She teared up.

We then called my mom (it was her birthday Sunday). And the first thing my aunt said was "Mi-e dor de tine" ... I miss you.

She hugged me close before I left. I said we (my parents, brother, sister-in-law and myself) would hopefully be coming back in two years. She said she hopes to still be here.

We didn't let her finish. We said she better be here. I let that wish fill my heart, especially for my mom's sake, and then I let it go.

We said our goodbyes a bit later, after I walked the family farm, drawing in the sweet scent of thousands of grapevines above me, begging to be picked, yearning to be ground up and bottled for wine.

I recalled chasing the animals, I recalled my grandma working in the fields behind the barn and I reacquainted myself with Rego, my uncle's horse I fell off of when I was younger. He was much sweeter this go around :-) He let me pet him for quite some time.

We visited a few more family members and curious neighbors. They all looked at me, saw my mother's eyes, cheekbones, nose and smiled.

I talked to my cousin about it later. She told me, it says a lot about my mom, the way people responded to seeing me, to seeing her in me.

I'm pretty sure when I share this with my mom, she will cry.

Between learning more about the history of this country, my family and culture as well as reconnecting with my cousins and aunts and uncles, I feel I couldn't want for more in this moment.

I see so much of myself in my cousins and so much of my mother in my aunts, it amazes me. I don't want to leave them ... not after just feeling I've gotten to really know them.

I suppose I now know what this feels like. What being torn between one life and another feels like.

I also now have a sense of completion in some way. Not as though I don't have more to learn and discover, but a sense that this other part of my life, of myself — a part that has been primarily in the dark over the years —is suddenly lit.

And I don't know what else to do with myself ... but smile.

~C~